You can find it

No one lacks confidence. Confidence is the inherent belief that you can rely on something. We can have confidence in others, confidence in a task, and confidence in ourselves. It's an internal thing based on an unwavering belief.

The reason I say that no one lacks it is because we all have confidence in some capacity. We do, really. It's just that we don't always realise it. 

Imagine if you will, meeting a person at a social gathering. You get talking and this person tells you that in their life they have accomplished many things. They have a great list of 'positives'- things of which they can be proud - but in their negative column they put a lack of confidence. They tell you that it is the one thing they just don't have and that they are at a loss because, despite being skilled in so many ways, this feels like the greatest failure.

Confidence comes in many forms. In this person's case they are referring to a lack of social confidence. What they mean when they say they don't have confidence is that they don't feel sure enough of themselves in social situations to approach strangers and strike up a conversation.

A lack of confidence when it comes to approaching strangers is not an inherent lack of any confidence at all. For example, suppose this person has a successful career in which they have performed extremely well. They studied for a long time and have worked in many different roles in their industry, gaining success and rising to a place where they are respected for their talents. They were confident in the skills they gained from their education. They were confident in the knowledge they have of their chosen field. They were confident in their abilities as a professional to build a successful career.

It's simply because of a belief that confidence is confined to a specific situation that this individual feels they lack it.

Often times we are not aware of these sorts of limiting beliefs. Because we are told that confidence has something to do with bravery or with social performance, we are not aware of the great level of self belief we have in other areas.

A great way to let go of this limitation is to sit down and write a list of the things which you know you are good at. Anything at all, be it cooking, drawing, gardening, pet care, reading, athletics, teaching, listening - you get the idea. Belief in your ability to do something is confidence.

We can't be confident in all things. For example, I don't believe I'd ever be good at treating traumatic injury. Beyond being able to budget, I have very little faith in my math skills. I don't feel very assured in my ability to learn new languages. There are so many other examples, but I don't have to be confident in everything and nor does anyone else. When we encounter something where we feel we just don't believe in ourselves, it helps to remember our list of the things we are confident in.

Remember, confidence is something that comes from within. It's our capacity to recognise our own strengths without need of external approval. When we recognise where we are strongest, where we have unwavering faith in our ability to do something, we are reminded that oftentimes these things were things we learned over time. When we encounter a time where we don't feel so sure, we can use our confidence in a different area to remind us of our ability to grow.

www.CreativeLifeCoachLondon.com

Enjoying your own company

Loch Voil, in the valley where Dhanakosa is located

I was away for eight day at the end of July, beginning of August. I attended a retreat at the Dhanakosa Buddhist centre in Scotland. It was an amazing time for me as I was able to spend a lot of time in my own company. 

I know that, for a lot of people, the idea of spending time in your own company can actually be quite frightening. I know this because I used to really dislike being in my own company. I used to go through long periods of depression and for several years I suffered from an anxiety disorder. For anyone who has experienced depression or anxiety (Which is probably everyone reading this) the idea of spending time alone in your won head when either of these very strong emotions is running its course isn't just uncomfortable but potentially frightening and possibly even dangerous.

It took a lot of work and a lot of paying attention to what was going on for me to work through both of those things, but here I am! I've gone nearly two years without taking medication, loving who I am and being able to spend time with that person.

For me this retreat was a big step in that it meant I was going for my own growth and not to run away from anything. I am a firm believer in not running away from your problems. This is because you can't. The thing about your problems is that they belong to you and therefore, wherever you run, they will follow. But there can be exceptions to this rule. For example, if your problem is that you really want to go travelling but you can't seem to motivate yourself then running away is, in fact, solving a problem.

I want to talk about this problem of inaction because that's the sort of problem I help my clients solve. The problems that niggle and sit there but always seem easier to ignore than to deal with. First of all, ignoring something doesn't make it go away. In fact, ignoring something is usually a really good way to aggravate it to the point where you can't ignore it anymore.

Depression and anxiety are a good example of this. Depression begins in sadness and anxiety begins in fear. Both are natural emotions which must be expected in life. They are just things that happen and generally, they are there to tell us to pay attention. Sadness is asking us to pay attention to loss or a need not being met. Fear is telling us to prepare or plan for something.

Ignore them and they will become more urgent. They will grow in strength as they work to get you to pay attention to the issue at hand. The more you don't listen to them the louder they become and at their loudest they are no longer sadness and fear but depression and anxiety. Leave it even longer and they can become Clinical Depression and Panic Disorder or some other diagnosable mental illness.

Learning to enjoy your own company means learning to listen to these emotions as they arise. When we can pay attention to them from the start we can see what needs or wants are being neglected and rationally determine what is needed.

This retreat was great as it allowed me time and space to sit without distraction and reflect on the things which fulfill me. I was able to focus my energy, appreciate the amount of time in a day, and really analyse what I want to do in the coming months. It was also a chance for me to pay attention to some of my own little niggles which I've not given a chance to be heard.

Giving yourself time and space to be heard is important. No one else is going to do that for you though, so you need to give yourself the right setting and tools to go there. This isn't always easy, especially if you've not done it before or done it often. As a coach I believe in giving my clients the space they need to listen to their own dreams, hopes and wishes. Then, working together, make them a reality.

www.CreativeLifeCoachLondon.com
Want to help support Dhanakosa?
Buy an original FaunawolfCreations painting and 50% of the sale will be donated. 

...then it's not yet the end

Life isn't fair. 

When people said this to me when I was younger it would really frustrate me. I took it to mean that they were pessimistic and believed that life was difficult so suck it up.

I think about the phrase differently now. Life really isn't fair. Life is unpredictable, convoluted, intense, random, interesting, confusing, baffling, challenging, exciting, difficult - but not fair. This doesn't mean that you should 'suck it up' or just accept what happens. It just means be prepared. Be aware that things won't always work out as you would expect them to, nor will they seem just or right all the time.

That is the essence of life and it is the unfairness which allows us to grow. If life were fair it would be dull. You would never be challenged to stand up for yourself, embrace change, and take life by the figurative horns and show it that you're up for whatever it has to throw at you.

Life is, however, balanced. I recently watched the very delightful and well cast 'The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel'. Even if you haven't seen it, if you've seen a preview you've probably heard the line:
"Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, then it is not yet the end."

There is a wonderful Buddhist story that often gets told about a family in a small village. The mother and father live there with their son, who grows to be a handsome young man. The couple are pleased as it means he will be able to care for them in their old age. But one day the son is thrown from a horse and crippled, confined to a wheelchair. The parents lament his poor fortune, mourning for his strength.

One day a General comes through the village. The country is at war and all able bodied young men are being called to go fight. The couple are relieved that their only son is able to stay with them, rather than be taken away to fight and almost surely be killed.

This is a demonstration of how something which seemed unfair came to have a balance in it. Sort of like 'be careful what you wish for.' But the story continues on. The next situation could reveal that the family is distraught because none of them can work and in the time of war they seemed doomed to starvation. But then it can continue still and because of their son's confinement they are given food and care by the other villagers.

The point is that life just happens. How we deal with it is up to us but what we have to deal with is never predictable nor planned. But in the end, there will always be balance.

www.CreativeLifeCoachLondon.com

Change the World

You may have already noticed this clever Meme making it's circulation on your Facebook Wall or Twitter feed, if you have such things. Regardless, I wanted to share it because I really love it. Keeping in mind the original sentiment behind 'Keep Calm & Carry On' was actually quite significant at the time. In fact, it was 'raising Hell' for it's day because it was doing the exact opposite of what the enemy wanted or expected to happen.

Times have changed and as we get further removed from how powerful it was to keep living and working in a city that was being bombed nightly, we tend to become more apathetic to how we live our lives. I find more and more often that there are a lot of people just towing the line on what they think they should or shouldn't do. I think the people at Papersaurus (to credit the clever creator of the design) are really onto something.

It's fine to remain calm in times of chaos, but what about when things are so calm they're monotonous? Do you ever feel like your life is carrying on almost without your participation? Like things are just going to keep going on the same path and you might never write that book you've always wanted to or visit that country you've always be interested in or paint that idea you had years ago?

Sometimes our lives need a little shaking up. Sometimes we get stuck doing a job we're good at, but we don't love. Sometimes we need to raise a little Hell, make change happen, and embrace the fact that our lives are ours to live.

The first step to changing the world is to look at yourself and how you're living your own life. You can't expect to change the world by changing other people. You can never hope to change those around you. You can only ever change your own outlook, ideas, and opinions. When you do, it can be scary or even downright terrifying. But it can also be absolutely thrilling.

I know there will be cynics among you. There will be those who think it's all a bit fluffy to talk in abstract and excited terms of change and motivation for the better.

Cynicism is given way too much credit. It's easy to be cynical because it's almost impossible to challenge a cynic. But enthusiasm - living with enthusiasm - now there's a challenge. To go out in the world with energy, ideas and passion is to put yourself at risk of criticism. However, it's worth it. It's worth it because it's also the only way you can expect to change the world. 

www.CreativeLifeCoachLondon.com

Choice

I've talked before on my blog about how I've limited my options by predetermining how I wanted my life to turn out. It's something a lot of people do and generally something which life does everything it can to get us out of the habit of doing. The problem arrises when we struggle against life and look at the difficulties we face as some personal attack, rather than an opportunity to learn and view our world differently.

Each of us has a map of the world. Each map is as unique as we are because how we view it is entirely down to the experiences we've had, the life we've lived, and the beliefs we hold. Some people have huge maps, stretching out so far that they can't ever see the entire thing at once. Other people, however, have very tiny maps. Small things which show very little and offer few choices.

There is an analogy used in Buddhist teachings for how we limit ourselves. When you have a small map (you have a closed mind, you live in fear of change, you feel that you don't have any choices, you've made up your mind about something) it's like looking at the sky through a straw. You look at the sky through a small tube and see only a tiny circle of it. This circle might be blue but it's not difficult for a cloud to come along and the circle of sky becomes blocked. It might be a rain cloud and then that tiny patch of sky looks grey. Perhaps it's frightening, perhaps it's dull. Either way, our view is so limited that all we can see is that single, narrow point. 

But if we take away the straw suddenly there is a huge expanse of sky. There might be solid cloud cover but we can see how the clouds move and boil in the high winds above us. There is curvature to the clouds, points of dark and light. There may be patches of blue showing through. There will be a place where the sun is shining through as a bright orb. Birds may fly across it. Planes may come into view. The sky is open and there is far more to look at, and far more for us to see.

Whether we stick to our small map or keep looking through that single straw is our choice. The size of our world, the options available to us, are limited only be our own beliefs. If you make up your mind about something you might just be folding up a corner of your map, hiding it away. When you change your mind about something, let go of an idea or opinion, you are unfolding a corner of the map you may never have realised was there.

This sounds lovely, I know, but it's not easy. It's not meant to be easy. It's not meant to be impossible either. It's a challenge and it's your choice if you're going to take on the challenge. Your choice as to whether or not you want to keep looking through that tiny straw or if you want to take it away.

Having a map that stretches off further than we can see can be frightening, but it's also incredibly liberating. Think, if you had all the options in the world, if you had an infinite number of choices available to you, what would your life be like? Who would you be? Where would you go? What would you do?

www.CreativeLifeCoachLondon.com

27 Things I've learned...so far

I've been neglectful of my blog lately. This was because April was a busy month for me (As I knew it would be) and it was one of the things I could neglect between working for someone else, working for myself and working on completing my latest creative project.

A few months back I started writing a blog entry called 'Things I've Learned...so far'. It was inspired by two things:

1) I believe that learning is a never ending process. That life without curiosity and an interest in discovery is rather dull. I wanted to share that passion I have for expanding my knowledge of the world around me and within me.

2) I get really irked when people write someone off because they assume that when you're younger you lack wisdom and insight. I have learned some incredible things from people half my age. I have heard the most wise and intelligent and insightful things from children I've babysat or friends who are two, four, six, even ten years younger than I am.

I've also seen my fair share of people in their forties or fifties or even sixties and seventies, who do or say incredibly foolish things.

There is no order to life and no reason behind how or when we will learn a valuable life lesson. Some people will have the same experiences repeatedly and never learn from them whilst others will learn it the first time or learn it by observing what others have been through.

Regardless, we're all in the same boat and life is not out to get anyone in particular. Life is a brilliant opportunity and life is for living right now.

Six weeks ago I decided I was going to make an animation and I wanted it completed by my 27th birthday. I set up a light table in the corner of my room, positioned a tri-pod with camera over top of it, and set to work.

Every spare moment I've had has been spent drawing, sculpting, photographing, timing, planning, sorting and editing. This was in between working the still necessary day job and the developing Life Coaching job. This was between supporting over 100 fundraisers at a charity, working on design and layout for marketing materials, updating my blog (occasionally), being extremely ill for five days, working ten to eleven hour shifts during the London Marathon Expo, taking driving lessons and planning a birthday party.

But I'm organised and I'm committed and when I set my mind to something I get it done. It's how I roll.

Today is the first of May. Today is my birthday. So here it is:

27 Things I've Learned...So Far

The Only Constant

I love family traditions. My family is extremely close and as I grew up we had many traditions which I came to equate with that close bond. Some of them were very simple, such as where we traditionally sat around the table during mealtimes, while others had a bit more elaboration, like how we would hang our stockings at Christmas time and the ritual of getting a plate of cookies and eggnog with rum in it for Santa. 

There were also many neighbourhood traditions. I grew up in an inner city community that had the feeling of a small town. Many of the families that lived there, and still live there, have done so for many generations. We were all very neighbourly and connected. One such tradition was the annual Christmas party hosted by one of the families on our street. 

The thing about these traditions was that they were safe and predictable. I looked forward to them fondly because of the general comfort in them. I knew how they would play out every year and I expected the result to be memorable in a warm fuzzy way. 

The Death Card represents
letting go and accepting change

As human beings we do this a lot. We take a holiday somewhere and it’s so amazing that we keep booking the exact same holiday every year because we want to re-capture that sense of amazement. Or we always order the same thing off the menu of our favourite restaurant because we know we’ll always enjoy our meal. Or we buy the exact same make and model of car as the last one because we’re familiar with the brand. 

It’s easy to say this is just fine and dandy because we know what we like and we stick to it, but I have come to learn that this insistence that we stay with what we know can be extremely problematic. 

If you always holiday to the same place then you never get the chance to discover somewhere new. If you always eat the same thing then you never know what other fabulous meal you might be missing. If you always buy the same sort of vehicle you could be limiting yourself to a model that doesn’t fit your lifestyle. 

In addition to missing out on new discoveries, you’ll also start to stagnate. Sticking with what you know, what you’ve always known, is extremely limiting. There is very little room for personal growth and life can become boring. 

Besides that, this stagnation generally doesn’t fly. Nothing lasts forever' can be a great comfort to someone going through a difficult time, but it applies to the remarkable, entertaining, joyful and happy times as well. When you rely on that meal being perfect every time there’s going to be an awful lot of disappointment when its not up to snuff. And I do mean ‘when’ not ‘if’ because the harder and longer you hold onto something the more the universe will challenge you to let go. 

Change is constant. When something is uplifting or makes us feel good we tend to cling to it because we are so adverse to feeling bad, but just because something gave us a sense of happiness once doesn’t mean it’s always going to. Nor should it. And we will be far less disappointed in life and we accept that the one thing we can rely on is that everything is changing all the time.

www.CreativeLifeCoachLondon.com

Life doesn't have a manual

I'm always banging on about how life doesn't come with a rule book. There are no rules, despite what your parents, teachers, colleagues, employers and friends have told you.

I know it's easy to think there are rules. Like: You should always wear clean underwear because you never know if you're going to be in an accident, or: You should never call anyone after 10pm, or: Don't set a porcupine loose in a balloon store.

But these things that people tell us aren't rules. For me, a rule is hard and fast and though it can be broken the general idea is you shouldn't do it. If something is a rule, it shouldn't be crossed and those who cross it are not just rebellious but potentially dangerous. It's also seen as something that applies to everyone regardless of your age, gender, culture, upbringing, belief system or experience.

But the world is full of billions of people and consequently, billions of perspectives and ideas, and billions of different ways to go about living life.

Which is why I like to say that life doesn't have rules but it has many teachings. Part of living life is about figuring out which teachings work best for you. Arguable, that's all life is about. Figuring out who you are, what you believe and what lessons you are going to live by is entirely your choice.

www.CreativeLifeCoachLondon.com

Labels are for food

An entry about labels is likely going to run very, very long so I'm going to focus on one aspect of labels and labelling. I want to share my thoughts on how we label ourselves. 

I think a lot of attention is given to how other people put us in boxes and the struggle we face to break free, but the boxes we make for ourselves can be just as oppressive. A label isn't just a word, it often become part of our identity. For a really long time I was hung up on the idea of collecting labels. In my teen years I liked to describe myself as a blue haired, activist, artistic, writing freak. I wore my label proudly in a two finger solute to my peers, as if having so many labels meant they a) couldn't possibly find room for more and b) couldn't really define me because I'd gone to such great lengths to define myself. 

It wasn't until I entered High School that I started seeing the huge flaw in the labels I'd given myself. I began to see how fluid the world was, how constant change is and how as good as a label might be one day, it may not fit the next. The problem that arises is once you've given yourself a label (like 'I'm one of life's losers') you've just made it that much harder for yourself when something happens to challenge that label. Because your mind is made up and the label is stuck fast you won't let yourself see the positive aspect of getting your dream job, or losing 50lbs, or finishing an art project. You're inclined to find the downside in everything, because your label dictates it so. 

And seemingly positive labels are just as bad. I know this one is a bit more difficult to comprehend but allow me to present an example. 

I have always labeled myself as a happy, positive person so the idea that I might suffer from depression doesn't really sit well with me. As a result I spent years repressing or avoiding my feelings of depression because everyone knows happy, positive people don't get depressed. But this was outright denial and ultimately my avoidance of the issue caused my emotions to push harder for recognition. Soon I'd developed Panic Disorder and then I was a real mess. 

But my solution wasn't to drop the labels, not yet. My solution was to add the anxiety and the depression to my labels. I was a happy, positive, depressed, anxious person. 

You can see the conflict. 

The better solution, and one I now embrace, was to drop all the labels entirely. It's not easy to do and it's an ongoing project, but it's totally worth it. 

Not that I can't be happy and positive - but I no longer think of myself as defined in that way. I have come to accept that you can't define an individual. Change is too constant for that. We deserve to keep an open mind and open heart to all the ever changing possibilities for our own circumstances. 

It's all part of loving yourself first and best. By dropping the labels you open all those little boxes and open yourself to limitless possibilities. 

www.CreativeLifeCoachLondon.com

Making things happen

When I was in elementary we had this art assignment to draw a timeline of our lives. It was rather uninspired but I went for it as I was eager to get good grades and it seemed simple enough. I can't recall everything I drew but I know that I got a bit lazy and I ended the drawing with a picture of me holding a load of cash in one hand and a winning lottery ticket in the other.

I got a pretty decent mark on it and brought it home to show my parents. My mum was unimpressed, "What is that all about?"

"I'm going to win the lottery and then I'll be rich and I can afford to do whatever I want."

She was livid. She told me she was utterly disappointed in my lack of imagination and the fact that I would be so shallow and unmotivated to rely on chance for possible future wealth.

I didn't take it well. I was miffed that she'd shot down my clever drawing and in the tradition of many mothers and daughters the world over, I was right and she was wrong.

But as I grew older I came to understand what she'd said and what my 'prediction' had meant. I began to see the sense in her anger and why she'd been so upset.

It's super easy to think that life is something that happens to us. Some people believe it's a series of unpredicted events. Others see it as entirely pre-determined and impossible to alter. But the cliche 'Life is what you make it' actually holds quite a lot of wisdom. To me when I was ten, saying I was going to win the lottery was a sort of whimsical wish for a future full of fortune. To my mum it was me saying that I didn't possibly think I could generate my own wealth, that I expected chance was the only way I'd happen across it.

The odds of winning the lottery are slimmer than the odds of being mauled by a hippo - or something like that. I'm just making stuff up for the sake of a good example.

The point is, relying on chance for you to get your dream job, take your dream holiday or earn your dream income is all about dreaming. It's a fantasy and whilst I'm a huge advocate of positive energy, wishing for something to happen isn't going to make it so.

If you want to achieve something it's up to you to go for it. Trust me, the odds of you achieving something you've worked for are far better than the odds of that winning lottery ticket being in your hand.

www.CreativeLifeCoachLondon.com

Work vs. Life?

Representative of wisdom, self knowledge and openness

Original and prints available. 

The new year is always an interesting time. People seem to be energised. Adults in the workforce almost act like students on their first days back to school. Things seem hopeful and fresh. Possibility is in the air.

A few weeks or a month later and energy generally wanes. Winter is dragging and there's a feeling of disappointment hanging over most people. Like they were cheated out of something because this year is turning out just like last year and the year before that and the year before that. Work continues to drudge along and your boss is still a numpty and you still have that really anal co-worker, that really lazy co-worker or that really peculiar co-worker who smells sort of odd and keeps staring at you.

Meanwhile you're busting with ideas, feeling your energy being crushed by a job which you may be good at, but which does not fulfill your wants or needs. Work/life balance seems to come up a lot in conversation. How do you balance the hours you spend in the office with the hours you want to spend writing, drawing, painting, travelling, doing photography, acting etc? 

Personally I've always found the work/life argument a bit baffling. This is simply because I don't understand the separation of the two. It implies that 'work' is one plain of existence whilst 'life' is another and the two cannot co-exist. You're either working or you have a life.

What a dreadful thought. 

And yet, for so many this is entirely true. At work they are a different person. They function to fulfill a role, perform a job and at the end of the day they garner little satisfaction from their accomplishments. They work for someone, helping someone else achieve their goals or dreams, forsaking their own as 'whims' or 'flights of fancy'.

I used to be a victim of such thoughts. To me, unless I absolutely loved everything about the job I had which paid the bills, I felt I was purely exchanging my valuable time for money. This sort of thinking has a devastating effect. It can make a person feel like a shell, a robot there to perform a duty to keep the cogs of some larger machine going. It's dehumanizing and it makes perfect sense then why the idea of 'work' and 'life' being separate entities is such a widely held belief.

But work is a part of life. Life is all encompassing and work is not. Life is constant and what we do with ours - for work, for pleasure, for personal growth - is entirely up to us. Yes, I know that, to survive we generally need some sort of stable income. I'm not disputing this fact at all. But there is a way to look at work as part of your life and not a separate plain of existence where our personalities, dreams and talents need to be ignored or put onto a back burner.

How can this be done? No matter what you do for a living - cashier, administrator, sales assistant, personal assistant - there are little ways you can bring your talents and the things which give you joy into your job.

For example, I have a friend who is a textile artist who worked as a cashier for about a year. He purchased a small sketchbook that fit in his pocket and when things were slow he could easily pull it out and make little sketches or jot down ideas.

Another friend who was training to be a Spiritual Counsellor was working in administration at a charity. Until her training was done she couldn't start up her practice but in the mean time she was able to practice her communication skills because she answered the phones for the charity. Many of the callers were bereaved so it was a brilliant opportunity for her to get real life experience talking to people in distress.

For me learning is a huge part of my personality and what feeds my energy. I love discovering new skills and trying new things which is why, in any job I have, I seek out opportunities to get involved in different projects. I look for things which may be missing or which could use development or improvement. As a result I have been able to expand my administrative duties at my current place of work to include social media marketing and graphic design.

Every little bit helps but one of the key factors has also been changing the way I think about work. When possible I have brought my creativity, imagination and desire to learn to most jobs I've had. Occasionally I've had the sort of job where this flexibility didn't exist. In these cases I knew it was better for me to seek an alternative. Either way, the choice was mine. You can either look at work as a place where your life is put on hold, or you can look at work as yet another experience of life itself in which there are a multitude of opportunities for you to grow, learn and express yourself.

www.CreativeLifeCoachLondon.com 

The writer and the artist

When working on my tarot card paintings I would often find myself most frustrated by a lack of time. I'd be completely willing to paint but I had to calculate the time I had available with how much I could get done once set up and take down was calculated. If it would take me fifteen minutes to get my paints sorted, pull out my easel, select brushes and get bowls of water and another ten or fifteen minutes to clean my brushes, pallet and bowls afterwards and I only had an hour available before I had to be somewhere or do something else, it just didn't seem worth my while.

I agonised over this on a weekly basis, resenting time spent at work or time spent away on weekends when I felt I should have or could have been painting. Eventually I began to take a more sensible approach and I made the time, planning on it at regular intervals. This worked wonders and of course, having a blog which needed twelve monthly updates was also a great motivator. Whenever I was lost for an update idea I could use my latest Tarot Card as the subject and write about a new technique I'd discovered or the latest bit of symbolism I was working into a piece.

Now that the cards are done I can easily say that my methods of time management were extremely successful. Once I stopped thinking about how long it would take and began planning on making time available whenever possible the chances for painting became more and more frequent and in short order the 22 cards were completed.

With such an incredible accomplishment done I felt I deserved a break before jumping into the next big thing. The 22 cards marked more than my choice to begin living as an artist - they were key in a lot of personal growth and self discovery which has resulted in a huge amount of positive change in my life. I want to mark this with my art gallery showing, which will be held on the 19th and 20th of August.

But in the mean time I've begun to feel a bit aimless - lost without something to fill those spare pockets of time. I've begun to look at my writing more and edit a lot of the stuff I wrote when I was younger. This involves a different sort of prep than the painting did. I can write or edit anytime, anywhere, whenever the mood strikes me, as long as I've got my computer or journal to hand. I almost never leave the house without one or the other and as ideas strike me I'm finding myself getting back into a flow I've not felt since I was in my late teens.

It's interesting though when I try to marry these two parts of myself - The Artist: the sculptor, painter and creator, and The Writer: the storyteller, the philosopher, and the inventor. This conflict in all the thing I want to do, either because I want too much at once or because one single project requires more focus and time than I feel is available to me, is leading me to take serious stock of my life and how I live it. I've written about this before very recently as I've just begun to embark on a really important career shift.

As I begin to learn about Life Coaching and defining how I want to do this and be this, I'm looking at all the tools available to me which have been essential in promoting my creative work. My creative work will never cease as that would be like asking me to stop breathing, but I wonder about how I'm going to use the tools I've got already with the new career I'm creating. Do I keep this blog as it is and just close it - a record of my Tarot series and other art projects I did for over two years? Or do I keep it going but update it with less frequency? Or, and this is the option to which I am leaning, do I keep this blog and begin to shift it along so it becomes a practical tool for my Life Coaching?

One thing I know for sure, making time is entirely up to me. Whatever I decide for this blog, my art website, my editing and my writing, time is a limited resource which needs to be considered with great thought. In September I'm beginning a course and already I've begun a marketing program which aims to give me a lot of tools for launching my Life Coach services.

These are important first steps which require a lot of focus and attention - a lot of time.

To that end I've come to a decision. Right now twelve entries a month is just not feasible if I've got homework (Yeesh) and classes. So this will be the last month in which twelve entries will feature on my blog... for now. I want to thank everyone who has followed and read it twelve times every month. I especially want to thank everyone who has shared comments and kind words about my writing. It's this sort of genuine appreciation which fuels me and I certainly hope you'll continue to follow it as it evolves.

I'm absolutely giddy to see what happens.

Priorities and shifts

Since I finished my tarot card series I haven't managed to have much in the way of art to use as images on this blog. Naughty of me but I figure I can post pretty pictures I've taken of nice things and that'll do too...but don't think of me as a photographer. I do like photography in a 'my camera does all the work and my photos look spanking good when the light is right' sort of way, but start talking to be about the ISO and the filter and the zoom and I sort of glaze over. It's something I leave to the very talented photographers in my life. Besides, I have a lot of other things to get on with.

Which sort of presents a problem and was my round-about way of getting to the point of this particular post.

I have a lot of passions in life. I have a lot of ideas and creativity which sometimes feels so pent up that I can't seem to find enough ways to get it all out.

I love making costumes. I love designing and conceptualizing them and then making them real and wearable and magnificent.

I also love to sculpt and have a knack for it. I've often wondered about doing something on a larger scale and living in London can make me ache at the thought of it. Seeing a stunning stone dragon or the smooth, elegant curves of a sculpted silhouette makes my fingers twitch and my imagination run wild. Oh, the things I could do. And on a smaller scale too. I discovered Netsuke and would adore creating my own small creature to hold in my hand, carved with patience and love.

I want to revisit animation - as 'Affinity' gets more screenings I consider all the other ideas I have busting to be let out. A few cell animations, classic hand drawn ones which I think would be novel to try and fun to promote.

And of course there's my writing. I'm rapidly co-editing one of my novels, having another edited by a professional and getting ideas for new stuff which I'm jotting down here and there. I'm finding myself lost in the prose I've been dreaming of, wondering where to take it next and itching to give it another go.

Finally there is my painting - custom shoes and my tarot series, not to forget my Buddhist inspired work.

All jumbled up together these things feel like they should all come first, should all get my focus and time. But there are only so many hours in the day and unfortunately, at the moment a lot of them are spent doing menial administrative tasks so I can pay the bills and fund the supplies for this stuff.

Which is why I'm working on a shift. I'm evolving what I do to survive financially so that it not only meets something I'm passionate about, but gives me the freedom and flexibility (and funding) to continue with and truly pursue everything I want in good time. I may not be about to step into a studio with a chunk of granite awaiting my imagination. I may not be hunched over a drawing table putting the final touches on an animation. I may not be opening a box with a hard copy of one of my novels contained with in. I may not have that mascot costume I always wear entertain my cousin. But I do have the desire for it and that gives me a lot of motivation.

This motivation I have has led me to really look at my life, what comes to me naturally and what my options are for fostering that whilst creating a sustainable income. That was how I decided to look into this Life Coaching business, to explore it further. Now I'm realising that I need to look at how I'm using tools at hand, such as this blog, to promote myself. I've presented myself as a creative (which I am), but now I want to show my professional self.

This gives me a lot to think about as this blog has been an incredibly fantastic tool not only for sharing my art and writing, but for making connections and for giving me a sense of confidence in the talents I have. To that end I don't suppose it would be too different to use it for my life coaching, when I start to develop my career and put myself out there as such. The key difference will be creating confidence in others for their own incredible talents and limitless potential.

I'm mulling all this over and, fortunately, I have time to as my course doesn't start until the autumn. But in the mean time I'm practicing focusing my energy onto this one very important thing with the fact that it will be a fun, sustainable career choice for me that will allow me a great amount of freedom, as long as I go about it effectively. I know from experience that spreading yourself too thin is never effective, unless you want to suffer a nervous breakdown.

People aren't marmite.

Give it up for change! The most constant thing in the universe.

I think there is a myth that we will experience a single monumental life changing event in our life. As if a cataclysmic change will only happen once and can be very easily pinpointed to an exact moment in time.

I believe that life is a constant series of events spurring on change and there are those who will fight it and those who will embrace it and probably a lot of other people who fall in between because there are billions of people on this planet and for each of us there is a different experience. We are given a life and the point of it is to do the best we can with what we have.

Since I was three I've known I want to be a writer and it's taken until the past for years for me to realise that I've always been one and always will be. Just like it's taken the past few years for me to realise I've always been an artist. Whether I make a lot of money doing either does not define how successful I am in life. My success comes from recognising the things which matter to me and living my life fully by embracing and feeding them.

So as I move forward, sharing my art and writing with the world, it is the joy of creation which ensures my success more than the ability to live off of an income generated by what I've made. But I believe that it's also very important to be happy in what you do to make a living in life, which is why I've been exploring options for employment that tap into my creativity and natural skills without me having to sell a painting for $10,000 or get a book deal signed on with a publisher.

I've spent a lot of time working on improving my design skills, working with CS5 and producing marketing material for the charity which currently employs me. I've also gotten to play around with some web design and try my hand at a bit of t-shirt designing, which is still in the works. But the life of a designer is not the life for me. I enjoy it, certainly, but sitting in front of a computer screen is taxing and can be very isolating. Besides, it doesn't quite capture me. What I mean by that is, it doesn't fit into my everyday thoughts and meditations.

People do. People always have. I've always been amazed by the capacity we have as human beings to survive, grow, change and create. We are remarkable creatures and most of us have a lot of difficulty seeing it in ourselves. I've always found it extremely easy, however, to see the potential in another human being, sometimes to my very detriment.

I have also always enjoyed the art of conversation. I love to explore the way someone thinks and how their experiences shape and motivate them.

So I've decided to embrace this insatiable curiosity with which I was born and use it to help people realise their unending and brilliant potential. My Life Coaching training course begins in September, the longest 'school' commitment I've made since graduating high school (Even if it is mostly working on modules from home.) and with hard work and dedication I'll be a fully certified Life Coach by April 2012.

Looking back I can't say that there has been a single event which has led to this decision. I can easily credit my parents for always encouraging my brother and I to explore the world around us and never telling us that we had to choose a single career and stick to it until we die. I can offer thanks to a long list of incredibly talented teachers who allowed me to express my creativity and taught me how important the individual is. I am grateful for incredibly self aware friends who've been supportive and taught me the importance of being genuine. I can definitely give my thanks to the troublemakers who have taught me how to let go and shown me where I still have work to do. I have the inspiration given me by a brilliant psychologist, my highest paid friend and an incredibly talented therapist. And I have the constantly amazing support of a partner who appreciates everything about me.

In the mean time I'm gonna keep dancing, painting, writing, drawing and exploring because all of it is leading to the next change and the next, constantly, beautifully.

Important step!

Today I got the receipt of my deposit for my Life Coaching course. I'm hugely excited about it!

I've never been a huge fan of school structure. I'm a very independent learner. If I want to know something I'll go find it out. I'll read about it, research it, work it into conversation - whatever it takes to feel like I know the subject inside and out, or at least until my curiosity is satiated. For this reason I've not done loads of formal schooling. I finished High School, got that diploma and have only dipped in and out here and there with smaller courses such as the design course I took last year or the writing course I did in the winter.

This course is a much large commitment in that it will take a year, rather than a few weeks, to complete. However, it involves very little class time. Most of it is self directed work with modules and a lot of what I spend my free time doing already lends itself well to being a life coach.

I'm really looking forward to the new ideas I'll be presented with by taking this course. It will mean a lot for me not only on a professional level, but on a personal one too. Learning any new skill or taking a course to enhance a skill already present will always push a person to grow. I never shy away from change, from challenging my own ideas about my identity. Not to say I find these changes easy, far from it. It is looking at these difficulties that makes me see where I need to search for less, where I am extremely strong and where I can improve. And there is always room for improvement.

The course doesn't start until September. Between now and then there's a million little things going on and the build up to a few big things, namely, my gallery show in August (Shameless plugging!) but this is a step towards something doing something else I'm really passionate about and therefor it's cause for celebration!

Aimless

When working on my tarot paintings I felt like I had a pre-determined To Do list. Whether it was taping off canvases, researching other designs or original symbolism, painting the background, foreground or animals, I was always, always, always busy with something. Each week my life revolved around sleeping, eating, working and painting. I blogged and tweeted about it, gave out business cards, did tarot readings and generally was stuck in.

When the project was finished I cried, not because I was going to miss it or because it was finally done, but because I'd spent so long with it as a constant that it was this immensely emotional thing that I'd accomplished. The series had been a form of therapy for me, begun shortly after my life had taken a serious drop-kicking. My future lay before me as a blank space where, before, there had been an entire (albeit dismal) life supposedly planned out.

Initially all that blank space was terrifying. Then I realised that it was a grand opportunity. As I rediscovered who I was and everything I loved about myself, I began to learn some very important lessons. The first lesson was that no one, no matter what, should ever come before my own sense of self and happiness. I need to be the most important person in my own life and love myself best before I could possibly offer the same to anyone else. Part of that was doing things which gave me a sense of purpose and fed my passion for creativity.

My tarot project was the initial step towards living my own dreams, rather than helping other people achieve theirs to the detriment of my own.

Now that the project is done and I have a very strong sense of purpose in my life I have begun to feel a sort of aimlessness. I have a lot of energy that once went into painting for several hours each week. I'm putting a lot of it into editing my writing, preparing for my August Apricot Gallery show and occasionally dancing in public, but none of that takes up the same intense commitment of my time as the painting did.

So I've spent the last few weeks looking at my life stretching out before me and wondering exactly where it's going to go. I have learned so much about myself through the duration of working on those paintings. For example, I know I actually quite like an indeterminate future. Whereas before I felt the need to plot out every single aspect of my life with a sort of written in stone precision, I now love the sense of adventure which comes from not having my mind made up about anything in particular.

But then, there are always going to be certain constants. Whether I am published or not, whether my paintings sell or not, I will always be a writer and an artist. I also have a wonderful little fur-child in my life and to a certain extent my future must take her into consideration in all things. On top of that my family has expanded to include a talented photographer/chef/gardener and her two little fur-children.

I also know I am naturally a little nomadic. I will always have a strong sense of home and where my roots are but I need to explore and wander. I learn best by doing and the greatest discoveries come from seeing different places, meeting new people and trying new things. No matter how comforting a space or stable a job, my own natural spirit will always tell me when enough is enough and I need to move on, to try something different, learn something new and explore somewhere else.

So essentially I need a source of income which I can take on the road. I need a job which can evolve as I do, change as my life does and fit around my circumstances as they come to be on that fabulous blank canvas which is the potential of anyone's life.

One of my dearest friends has recently completed a Spiritual Counselling course and she and I often discuss the topics of her classes and the assignments she's had. For months now we have discussed these things and every time I've been acutely aware of how much it interests me. I've also always been aware of how often friends or family tell me I inspire them. I do this because I truly do have the knack for seeing the potential in another human being, sometimes to my own detriment, but also because I believe in genuine appreciation. When I see someone's strength or passion for something I see no reason why it shouldn't be encouraged. We are all pure potential at the same time as we are often our own worst enemy. As someone intimately acquainted with anxiety and depression, I fully understand how easy it is to talk ourselves out of accomplishing very great things. At the same time, I appreciate that anything I've accomplished in my life has been attributed to being able to see the reflection of myself in those I love. I know I've accomplished a great many things but I doubt I'd have been able to do it if not for the encouragement and belief from outside members...and at times the attitude of 'Stop whinging and do it already'.

I am a firm believer that we can all use an outside perspective and as such I have decided I would quite like to try my hand at Life Coaching. Not because I think I have life figured out. Far from it. I believe that the older I get the more I realise the less I know. I just know that I do so love helping someone see the potential that they know is there but just can't quite access. I would love to offer the same encouragement, compassion and at times, Zen-like butt kicking which I've received from the likes of my psychologist, mother or best friend.

We all need to make a living and if that living involves using a talent or skill then all the better. I'm quite excited for this decision and am looking forward to seeing which colours it takes on the palette and how it might turn out on that blank canvas.