One Day... - Kait's Mixtape

 "If death is certain and the time until death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?"

- Pema Chodron

This blog entry is going to revisit a topic I wrote about often when I first moved to London. At that time I felt a lot like I was making up for lost time. I'd been in a stagnant situation for three years prior and I was kick-starting my life with this move to a new city.

I used to be able to tell you exactly what I'd be doing year on year to the day simply because I always did what I'd always done. I was bored of this, I needed change, I needed to completely change my situation.

The thing I said the most at that time was, "I'd rather look back on my life and regret having done something than wonder what might have happened if I had." 

One of the latest revelations I've had from all this meditation practice I get up to is that we don't figure something out and then put it aside. Wisdom is incremental and it gets deeper with practice. We will revisit the same thing again and again and each time - because of experience, new ways of thinking, knowing our minds better than before - we will get something new out of it.

Death doesn't scare me. I told my mum it did when I was little and she said that simply wasn't true because if it was I'd never do anything. I'd stay up in my room and avoid any situation that might be remotely dangerous.

I remember this as the first time I encountered the idea of living life to the fullest. I've come back to it again and again and each time it shifts and my understanding gains more depth.

When I first moved to London I wanted new experiences because I was terrified of not doing enough with my life. I've often remarked that I'm allergic to procrastination because I feel a bit sick if I put off that which I can do now.

Well, that's changed quite a bit recently. Not because I do put stuff off now, I certainly don't. I actually seem to be doing more now than ever - but the feeling sick bit happens less and less.

There was a frantic energy to a lot of what I did. A sense of striving and getting things done so that eventually I'd get everything done and then maybe, maybe I could relax. 

It wasn't very comfortable. It's a strong habit though and one I'm still working with. But now the frantic energy has gone out of it because the present is just a single moment and in a single moment, we can only accomplish so much anyway. I take it as it comes, and I carry out a single task with great care and mindfulness before moving to the next.

Interestingly I seem to get a lot more done, in a calmer fashion, and it gives me more time to do absolutely nothing beyond being - which is helpful since I love meditating so much.

The less I try to 'do' the more I can 'be' and the more I can be the more I appreciate the time I have. Less and less of what I do is about getting somewhere or finishing something or ticking off a list. Now it's about experiencing the moment, enjoying the process, and waiting for what comes next patiently, without forcing it or driving for it. 

Dharma Series - Fearlessness

Teachings on fearlessness can be so difficult to grasp. While I didn't struggle to grasp the concept on an intellectual level, truly embracing teachings around fearlessness proved to be very challenging for me. 

The translations from Tibetan or Sanskrit become misconstrued and muddled due to a lack of an English equivalent, making overcoming the Western definition of 'fearlessness' half the challenge. Sometimes it's described as 'unconditional confidence', which I think can muddy the waters even more. 

But the idea isn't about being unflappable or untouched by the challenges of life. It's not some ideal of 'perfection' where you sit there with a beatific smile on your face and nothing bothers you in the slightest. 

It wasn't until I heard a particular talk by Pema Chodron that the concept began to make sense on a deeper level and it was because she talked about resistance to fear. 

I'm familiar with this but didn't realise it until I heard her explanation. Resistance to fear is about not being willing to feel an inevitable emotion. It's putting up walls or wrapping ourselves in a cocoon so the world doesn't touch us with anything that makes us uncomfortable. 

I had Panic Disorder for nearly seven years. Panic Disorder is an anxiety disorder whereby the individual experiences a constant sense of anxiety. Constant. Every single moment of every single day I felt an underlying feeling of worry that was higher than average and not healthy.

Anxiety is rooted in fear. I've come to learn that my anxiety is at its worst when I ignore that something in my life is not okay. The anxiety isn't caused by the thing that isn't okay. It's caused by my resistance to see what's actually happening. 

This seems like a great defence mechanism because it does shield us from painful things - but only in the short-term. 

We can only tell ourselves 'Everything is just fine and peachy keen!' for so long. Denial merely masks the truth and creates a ticking time-bomb. In my case that time-bomb went off and put me in hospital and on medication for the first time in my life. It also lead me to my psychologist and, consequently, to Pema. It taught me how to listen to my gut and trust it. It taught me the importance of this. 

Which brings me back to fearlessness and this particular piece, which features a Snow Lion. 

Fearlessness is not about putting on a brave face, ignoring the things that scare us or shrugging off life's challenges as if they don't matter. Fearlessness is about accepting that things will fall apart. The rug will be pulled out from under us and we will be let down, abused, hurt, sad, angry, disappointed and have to grieve. 

Fearlessness is seeing all of these things and seeing that, as difficult as they may be, we also know they won't last forever and we will survive them because we will take care of ourselves. We will allow ourselves to feel the emotions and let them run their course. We will give ourselves time and space to heal. We appreciate that part of the joy of being alive involves feeling these things, getting through them, and growing from them. 

Because we will also feel joy, happiness, love, elation, delight, amazement, awe, wonder and beauty. Life is rich and when we open up to it, all of it, we have nothing to fear.

A lovely badger!

I'm really chuffed with this piece. I had an incredibly productive bunch of weekends back in April - completing several of these animals along with the lyrics artwork I've been publishing periodically. 

This was the second animal I completed - after the fox done in early April. 

More to come over the next few weeks! 

Hare today...

I incorporated some fun colour blending into this one. I'm really pleased with the hare's feet and general watchful pose.

I'm sorting out prints for these so hopefully they will be available as greeting/post cards!

Addictive song - Kait's Mixtape

Last summer I discovered a site called StereoMood. The idea is you type your mood into a search bar and it generates a playlist of songs that should suit that mood. The whole thing is a mishmash of songs based on what other people define as 'happy' or 'creative' and as a result I discovered a wide variety of new music. 

At the time the music was definite therapy for me as I was in quite a state due to severe heartbreak and all the general disappointment, hurt and anger that goes along with that. I listened to a wide variety of songs but was seeking out intense music - stuff that matched the extreme emotional swings and roundabouts I was going through. 

This song quickly became one of my favourites. It was a specific remix and the whole thing just fit so damn well with how I was feeling. It's one of those songs that makes me wish I could sing. As it is, I sing along with it anyway. 

Scream like Beth Ditto - Kait's Mixtape

This is one of my very favourite songs. I love singing along with it, screaming along with Beth Ditto, sharing all that emotion and intensity. 

I haven't listened to it for a while but the other day it came on as I was travelling by train from Waterloo to Wimbledon. Once again, a song I've listened to countless time struck me with new meaning, and I realised I still had more of these drawings to do. 

When I'm finished a series or a piece I have a general sense of knowing that it's done. I did do after the last lyrics I published to my blog. They seemed to round out the entire process nicely and I was comfortable. 

That being said, I'm flexible and when the inspiration kicked back in as Beth sang with greater intensity, I knew I had more to do. 

Dharma Series continued!

'Non-Attachment'
Pencil Crayon and ink on A4 Bristol Board

The Buddhist concept of non-attachment is often misunderstood in Western culture. For example, I once told a friend I was going to buy a set of mala beads to help me with my meditation practice. Her comment was that buying something wasn't very Buddhist.

I retorted by saying non-attachment wasn't about not owning stuff. I could have a whole house full of stuff but what would be Buddhist of me would be accepting, if that house burned down, the loss of all my possessions.

Since then my understanding of this has deepened quite a bit and I can see my own explanation as quite weak because non-attachment is not rooted in the physical world.

One thing I've learned while on my path is there will be a shift from intellectual understanding of a teaching to a deep 'knowing'. Intellectually I understood that letting go would result in an overall improvement to my sense of wellbeing because obviously, if I put less importance in 'stuff', the loss of said 'stuff' wouldn't bother me so much.

This made perfect sense to me and was reflective of one of the many important lessons my mum taught me when I was growing up. She made it abundantly clear that if my brother or I were to break a glass, for example, it was far more important that we weren't hurt than that we'd been careless. As human beings we had more value than a thing.

Recently I experienced the shift from intellectually grasping this idea of letting go, to a deep 'knowing'. I came to see how attachment has nothing to do with the 'thing', but with our perception of it. To genuinely practice non-attachment we must learn how to view the world without expectation. 

It's not about letting go of things but letting go of perceptions and ideas about how the world should or shouldn't be. Effectively, non-attachment is accepting the world as dynamic, fluid, ever changing. 

My intention was to capture this realisation in this piece of work. Whether I accomplished that or not is unknowable, but I enjoyed making it and ultimately, that's all that matters.

Buddhist Art

Just before moving to London and in my first six months of living here I completed two different paintings exploring Buddhist teachings.

'Without Limits' featured a blue Buddha and my own text exploring the theme of unlimited potential or the 'seed of Buddhahood' that resides in all beings. 'Worthy of Love' employed a laughing, green Buddha accompanied by text about the importance of having love and compassion for oneself.

I've had many ideas for a whole series of these paintings bouncing around in my head but inspiration has been abruptly lost and I now have a small selection of unfinished canvases not dis-similar to this:

Somewhere along the way my spark went out and I found myself just unable to keep painting as the canvas grew messy and the image in my head simply wasn't translating onto the white surface. 

Recently I found two unfinished sketches from ago. It was a particularly sunny day so I took the sketchbook outside, along with pencil crayons, pens and pencils, and set about completing them. 

'Genuine Happiness'

'Unfixated Mind'

Upon finishing the drawings I realised there was space to incorporate words. Just as with those past pieces, the words came to me without much deliberation - my own reflection of the Dharma. 

Having finished these two I felt an overwhelming desire to keep going. I wanted to do more pieces this way, to continue with the hand drawn, hand coloured process and see just where it would take me. 

I've now been working on these for nearly a month. With each new piece I find more inspiration for the next. There is a series unfolding here and I'm finding myself once again drawn to canvas. 

It feels wonderful to have a project like this to work on! My Tarot Card series and the original two Buddha paintings were completed ages ago. I've felt like my art has stagnated somewhat and as I've been working on design I find myself in front of the glow of a screen for too long during the day. It's refreshing to have a project which requires no technology in its execution. 

We shall have to see where it takes me, but for now I can say there is no end in sight. 

P!nk so gets me - Kait's Mixtape

'Try'
P!nk

I've been a big fan of P!nk for a long time. Her girl-rock-fuck-you attitude translates beautifully into music that motivates, invigorates and validates. 

I've had more than one of her songs on my OCD playlist at any given time. I remember the satisfaction I got from listening to 'So What' and 'Cuz I Can' as therapy following a broken-heart. Both she and Sarah McLachlan released albums  within weeks of each other full of lyrics about the emotional roller coaster of being dumped. Alanis Morissette is another one who's really damn good at being honest about heartbreak in her lyrics.

The saccharine 'Woe is Me' heartbroken lyrics of so many songs just grate on my nerves. There's this downtrodden sense of loss and ridiculous ideologies like 'I'm not whole without you' or 'how can I not just walk in circles without my other half?'

P!nk's lyrics certainly carry a level of honesty with them when it comes to heartbreak. She is a strong, resilient woman and this comes through in her music.

She talks about picking herself up, dusting herself off, and possibly flipping the bird to the person who hurt her IF she can be bothered to even give them the time of day - because she's got a life to live and she's gonna go and get on with that. She might hurt and she might be angry or upset or disappointed but she's not about to wallow.

Transition

Pema Chodron is a bit of my own personal hero. She's probably the most influential Buddhist teacher in my life. I've written about her often.

She has this story she tells of when she went to her teacher early on in her career as a nun. In fact, it may have been before she became a nun:

She told him she was going through a lot in her life at that time. There was great upheaval and she was completely uncertain about the future. She asked him what to do during 'this period of transition'. He smiled and said, "As soon as you accept that we are all, always in transition, your life will become so much happier." 

When I embarked on writing Wise at any Age it was following a massive, noticeable transition in my life. We definitely all experience catalysts, things that leave us groundless and uncertain about the future. But I've come to learn that the future is uncertain - whether we see it that way or not. We're just not particularly good at accepting this basic fact.

It's one of the main things I meditate on. The idea being, if one can accept the truth of our situation - that the only thing that lasts forever is the very moment of now in which we are, and that everything is constantly changing and the future cannot be controlled - then one can find a sense of contentment in any given situation. Because there are no surprises because we expect to be surprised. If that makes sense.

Anyway - I've been doing a lot of reading on the subject and listening to a lot of talks and what-not. In all my searching I have come across the Bodhisattva of Wisdom, Manjusri. Bodhisattvas represent the elements of enlightenment within each and every sentient being. Some are more known than others, like Avalokitesvara (Try saying THAT five times fast!), the Bodhisattva of compassion, or the Green Tara, the Bodhisattva of activity and accomplishment.

Manjusri was a new one to me and it seems suitable that I would discover this Bodhisattva shortly after publishing a book about cultivating wisdom, regardless of your age. 

Manjusri is generally depicted holding a flaming sword in one hand and a book in the other. The idea is that that sword cuts through ignorance to get to the truth of the situation. The book represents knowledge and learning and the sword is like a representation of our curiosity. Our need to explore what we are told and cut through it to see clearly what is real, rather than what we project or perceive as real.

I was so inspired that I drew my own Manjusri. I'm not sure what I might do with this now that I've drawn it. I've long wanted to explore Buddhism more deeply through exploring classic Buddhist art. I love the symbolism in it and the incredible movement of the artwork. But for now, this is a start and perhaps the seed for a future project.

Mary Portas - Mighty Women con't

I've been up since 5:30 so this probably isn't going to be one of my best blog entries.

Apologies for any garbledness. Like made up words N' stuff.

Firstly, here's a picture I just finished drawing. I'm so tired I didn't even use my camera to take this shot. I used photo booth, which is why it's a bit grainy. Otherwise, I'm quite chuffed with it. The subject is none other than Mary Portas, fashion guru and business savvy celeb who makes delightful shows about good business practices.

I admire her hugely. She's well spoken, assertive, intelligent, motivated and compassionate. She really believes in better business practices, loving what you do and inspiring shop keepers, business owners and the consumer to be more responsible.

And she's really, really lovely.

Several weeks ago I emailed my number to the production team for Mary's latest show. I didn't expect them to get in touch but figured: Why not?

They didn't call for the show I'd sent my number in for an I'd all but forgotten about it until yesterday. I was sitting at my day job, suddenly becoming massively overwhelmed as my workload seemed to be spontaneously growing in leaps and bounds, when my phone rang.

Unknown number.

Normally I don't pick it up and just hope they leave a message, but this time, maybe because I wanted distraction from my suddenly stressful work duties, I answered it. It was the show. They were filming the next day at 12:30 and could I make it? I said I'd call them back but the second I hung up it occurred to me that the odds of this happening again were pretty slim. I conferred with some co-workers and in minutes I'd made up my mind. I called them back and confirmed, figuring it would be easier to cancel if I couldn't get the time off then it would be to try and get a spot if I waited.

I cursed myself for being so responsible before unloading my minor crisis to my manager. We went through my twenty item To Do list, gleaning it down and prioritizing it as best we could. I wasn't even going to mention the show until I knew things were under control. I couldn't just skip out when so many things were so urgent, no matter how much I admire the woman and how absolutely cool it would be to have the chance to meet her.

I cracked on with my work load, nipping off chunks here and there, plotting out solutions and generally getting it under control. Eventually I figured I should take my lunch so I popped out to the staff kitchen to make a delicious gluten free sandwich. My manager happened by and I took this as my chance. I asked if I could run something by him, ask him about something that had come up.

"Do you know who Mary Portas is?"

He nodded.

I explained about the call and that it was for tomorrow (today) and would be right in the middle of the day. He nodded, listening carefully and proceeded to tell me that, as long as I worked my hours around it, made up the time and kept my workload under control I was free to do as I wished. I thanked him profusely and then headed back to work, sandwich in hand.

In the evening I got my confirmation email with the details on where to meet and what to wear. My partner and I were a bit giddy and we proceeded to watch two episodes of Secret Shopper on catch-up.

And so we come to why I've been up since 5:30. In an attempt to make up the hours before going to the show, I rose well before the sun and headed to the office for 6:30. I cracked on with my work, pretty much resolving every little explosion I'd encountered the day before, and at 11:30 I was free to make my way to Angel.

I don't know that I have the energy to re-cap what happened. I've written it all in my journal and am eagerly awaiting my partner's arrival home so I can gush and *glee* all about it. It was incredible though. It was fun and light and the sun shone all day! Mary was delightful, the twenty or so other people who joined us were friendly and fun and the crew were really great. But I don't really want to share it because I don't want to spoil it. So, for a brilliant show by an inspiring and definitely mighty woman, do tune in on Wednesday for the last episode of Secret Shopper.

Character Sketches

I haven't done any character sketches in a super long time. Two years ago, when I was doing my animation, I got really into them. Even though I was doing a claymation and even though I never need to draw my 3D characters, I took the opportunity to do so because there was something so mindful about creating a character and then rotating it in proportion along fine pencil lines. I actually started sketching characters I had no intention of using in my animation and at one point the only drawing I did were of character sketches because it was therapeutic.

After I finished my animation and my employment at YAP was over I put my creative energy into painting, largely ignoring my sketch book. I had begun an attempt at a graphic novel, which I have every intention of continuing with at some point, but once again, drawing it had been a form of therapy I needed at the time. The repetition of my pencil lines was reflective of the personal mayhem I was working through. It felt like my life was going through the same pattern of frustration, hurt and loss. As I went through the motions of my life, learning a little bit each time and slowly getting stronger, so too did I see my art improving.

As I began to feel more stable I began stretching what I was doing with my life into other aspects of creativity. I also decided it was time to really work on my tarot cards in earnest. The character sketches and the sketchbook I'd used to do them were put to one side. My work has become about single pieces, single static characters.

My graphic design course has re-awakened my interest in animation and it's also pushing me in another direction. Time and again people have asked me if I would consider doing children's book or providing illustrations for their own writing. I've been daunted by the idea of doing either because I honestly haven't felt I've got the skill to create illustrations nor do I have the discipline to write a story for children. I've been daunted, but that doesn't mean it's not something I really, really want to do.

Next week I'm learning Illustrator, the last of the three programs covered in the course I'm currently doing. This is the program I've been waiting for because it could be just the tool I've been looking for to finally jump into the world of children's literature. I feel enough in touch with my inner child that I believe I can write stories captivating for children to read. I also remember my childhood quite vividly including the books and stories I most enjoyed. All of this should built a solid foundation for the makings of what I hope to be a well written, lovable and fun series of books/animations.

But before I vectorise anything and before I make the very expensive but desirable purchase of CS5, I am returning to my sketchbook and those simple pencil drawings. I have to say, I do feel my character sketches have gotten a bit rusty. I'm not quite so quick to rotate a character all the around across the length of a page. But I can feel it coming back and along with that I'm finding ideas for story lines becoming more solid in my mind.

We shall have to see what comes of this.

The Sketchbook

Most artist have a sketchbook they carry around with them almost anywhere.

(Or should that be 'almost everywhere'? Perhaps it should be both.)

I am a writer at heart and since an early age I have filled the pages of journals with words, occasionally pausing to sketch something here or there. The most perfect journal I've ever owned was a hand bound blue leather one with unlined pages. I could write as much as I wanted, but when the desire to sketch took me the pages were heavy enough to be worthy of this application.

My current journal is lovely, but it doesn't full fill both journal and sketchbook, so I've been using my proper full-sized sketchbook once again. I have to admit, it's not well used. When I was in high school I filled sketchbooks rapidly. This was due to the high volume of assignments given and my own passion for filling it as I went along. Not long after I graduated I went through a period of about three years where my creativity wained and then pretty well ceased. This was my own fault for not paying attention. I put my focus everywhere but on myself.

That lesson has been learned, but it's odd to pick this sketchbook up and look through it again because so much of what it's in it was from that time when I lost myself. I dated the first page: Begun August '05

That's a long time to not fill all those lovely blank pages. Even now it's still only about three-quarters full. What does grace the pages is both unusual and interesting to look at. There is a spattering of drawings from those three years where I was hardly journalling and in no way would have identified as an artist. The few that there are seem almost pained. Occasionally I see one where I was trying to get out from the strange shell of a person I'd let myself become.

More recently the pictures are exploratory. I can see the ones from my time at the Youth Animation Project. Experimentation came back into my life. I can see the way in which I began to draw again, not because I felt I should, but because I simply must.

The most recent entries are the work I've been doing on a business card design and for the Calgary Dyke March logo. I find the logo the most interesting as the inspiration for it came from a sketch I'd done years ago. Done years ago, but still in this particular book.

When I got my first tattoo I was so eager for more. I was addicted but I knew the cost would probably keep me from going too nuts. As a result I spent a lot of time doodling tiny things for one off tattoos here or there. One of my designs incorporating a black triangle and the symbol for Venus was abandoned as a tattoo, but never far from the back of my mind. It was a design I'd been quite chuffed with and as it is, the committee for the Calgary Dyke March has loved all the new versions I've sent.

It was bizarre, though, when they first asked me to do it because I instantly thought of that symbol and figured it would be perfect. Since most of my sketchbooks have been left in Calgary, I thought I'd have to re-design it from memory. As it is, that symbol is in the corner of an otherwise empty page, very early on in this book. It seems a lifetime ago, drawn when I was working at an entirely different job, when I'd first moved out of my parents house. Drawn by someone far more naive than I am now. Drawn and re-visited in an entirely different life.

I can look back through my journals and see how much I've changed, but there's something inherently different about seeing growth in the images I've drawn. I remember myself then. I remember how I felt like I had everything figured out. How I felt like it was actually possible to accomplish such a thing. I remember being really certain of where I'd be in five years.

I couldn't be happier to have all those preconceptions blown away.