Start with yourself

"Cut me down, but it's you who'll have further to fall" 

-Sia, Titanium lyrics: David Guetta

I believe in the natural goodness of all beings. No one does anything because they want to feel worse. We are all trying our best to get on with life and to feel happy, fulfilled and content. For a few people this seems to mean cutting down other people in order to bring them to their own level, rather than working on building themselves up.

If you are a genuine, enthusiastic, hard working person you're more likely to encounter these drainers. They're the sort who will sabotage another's hard work and dedication, rather than getting on with their own life in a positive and successful way.

They're not to be hated though. Hate cannot achieve a positive outcome. Through hate we become embroiled in our own thoughts and feelings. Hate is a little ball which can grow into a massive knot. It will blind us to those around us and ultimately, we will be no better than the subject of our hate because we have restricted ourselves so much.

Looking at it from the flip side, I have great compassion for those who would rather pull someone down than lift themselves up. You have to have a pretty low opinion of yourself if that's the way you live your life.

Think about it: Someone thinks so little of their own ability to grow, change and achieve that they find it easier to gossip, manipulate and cheat others for their own gain.

Not being true to yourself is hard work. When you deny your own skills and talents, you ignore your dreams and squash your own goals, you're putting an awful lot of time and energy into it. Not that living the life you love doesn't require a lot of time and energy too. The difference is, when you are true to yourself and love what you do and your ability to do it, the work is enjoyable. When the things we work at are enjoyable the effort doesn't feel so draining.

I get a great sense of satisfaction from a job well done. I may be tired, I may have had a certain level of stress, but when the outcome means I reached my goal and got to where I wanted, the exhaustion I feel adds to my sense of accomplishment.

When you work hard to tear someone else down you don't have much to show for it. If anyone does notice your achievement, what they're going to notice is that you are manipulative, two-faced and in-genuine.

The challenging bit is letting go of the grievances we have with people who would rather cut us down than build themselves up. Ultimately it's about self knowledge. If you know that you are worthy of what you've accomplished, if you believe in your skills and talents, then the petty actions of another cannot hold you back. 

www.CreativeLifeCoachLondon.com

Know Your Worth

The quality of this image isn't very good. I don't have a scanner so I took a picture of it with my little point and shoot.

It says: "Library Management Structure" but the sentiment of this can apply to almost any work place.

At the top of the pile is Winnie-The-Pooh, acting as Chief Librarian (Or CEO, Executive Director etc.) Pooh says, "I am the Chief Librarian. I serve committees, direct policy and plan future developments. Without me there would be no library service."

Under him is Alice in Wonderland, acting as the Library Manager but representative of 'upper management' in general. She says, "I am the Library Manager. I manage the staff, set standards, implement new developments and carry our policy. I am essential to the library service."

Holding up Alice is the Mad-Hatter, who plays the part of the Assistant Librarian, or 'lower level management'. He says, "I am the Assistant Librarian. I bring my professional skill to bear on difficult enquiries, supervise staff & maintain standards of stock and service. The library could not manage without me."

At the bottom of the tower, quivering on his tiny legs, is Piglet. Piglet represents the Library Assistant. He could be the office assistant, the secretary, or the administrator. Piglet says, "I am the Library Assistant. I issue, discharge and shelve books. I answer the phone, send out over-dues, type letters, repair the stock, take book requests and deal with what enquiries I can. I am not really very important."

And then Piglet walks away and the entire pyramid collapses.

I worked in a library once, very briefly. I have to say this is an accurate reflection of my experience there. But it's also an accurate reflection of my experience working retail, not-for-profit and in charity. From talking to those in the corporate world, the story is the same. This happens a lot.

What is it, exactly, that's happening? Well, there's clearly a rift in communication and a lack of understanding regarding the role of everyone within the business, be it a corporation or a charity. I have had some phenomenal managers and the key characteristics of a good manager are an ability to listen, build rapport and effectively support all members of the team in the specific ways they require.

I've also had my fair share of really rubbish managers. People with little or not respect for the people who keep the cogs of the system running every day. People who are hopeless when it comes to listening or understanding the needs of the business and of the people running it. People who think there is a 'trick' to dealing with people and that everyone can be painted with the same brush. People who micro-manage.

You can't pick your managers and sometimes you'll have good ones and sometimes you'll have dreadful ones and sometimes you'll have some that manage to be pretty O.K. Regardless, if you're going to work for someone else you're bound to come across all sorts and we all know you can't change a person.

Well, you can't change other people. There is one person you can change. You see that little Piglet at the bottom? If Piglet were to reflect on his role a little bit, to consider everything he does, he would see that there is huge value to his position. He is essential to the team. As essential as anyone else in the system. And if Piglet truly saw it and truly believed it then he would have an incredible gift.

Change the way you think. Think about what you're worth. When you're working for someone else you are giving them your time. What is the value of that time? Is your time any less important than the person who manages you or the person who manages them, and so on, to the top?

I'll give you a hint, the answer begins with an 'N'.

No. Your time is just as valuable as anyone else's. Piglet matters just as much and if he knew his value, if he knew his worth, he would be able to see that the structure needs him just as much as it needs any of the others.


www.CreativeLifeCoachLondon.com

Wear as many hats as you like!

I never considered myself a polymath. I've always thought that the word was meant for people with full blown careers and a single focus. I felt like the word was for someone more skilled or experienced.

But then I began to consider the definition. There are no hard and fast rules about who counts as a polymath and, as with any identity, how we define ourselves is entirely up to the us.

The Empress is all about creativity. 

Too often we let our self definition be limited by how the outside world perceives us. The result is letting other people limit the possibilities of what we can do.

In my life I have been (And in many cases still am) a babysitter, youth worker, project manager, retail employee, kennel technician, researcher, administrator, personal assistant, painter, workshop developer, speaker, animator, furniture builder, fundraiser, writer, graphic designer, social media expert, journalist, sculptor and now, life coach.

If that doesn't make me a polymath, I don't know what does!

Before you try on the shoes someone else has given you, pay attention to the pair you're already wearing.


If you've planned out a holiday from beginning to end, sorting all the itinerary of everyone involved, and it's successfully come to fruition, then you've got project management skills.

If you doodle in your spare time, or you doodle in meetings or while you're on the phone, you're a sketch artist.

If you like to figure things out for yourself and are really good at getting answers, you're a natural researcher.

Make your own list. Look at all the things you've done professionally but also personally. It doesn't have to pay the bills to be a worthy skill and it doesn't have to be specific to a single role or career. By writing it down you can see your talents and see just how awesome you are.

www.CreativeLifeCoachLondon.com

Mousecapades

Patience is something I find difficult to apply to myself. I have a lot of ideas and things I want to do and if I'm unable to manage them all in the generally unreasonable time I plan for them, I can get very frustrated. So I look to practice patience when the opportunity arrises so I may improve my ability for it and my ability to be kind to myself.

Everyone has the capacity of unconditional love. It would be fabulous to have it for ourselves but generally the sense of unconditional love is applied to other people in our lives. The most common example of this would be the love a parent has for their child. In my case I have three gorgeous, delightful and wonderful fur-children. I adore all three of the kitties in my life and my love for them is unwavering regardless of the things they may do. 

It is in their nature to hunt and as a result I am often faced with a live creature in the house. Sometimes I am able to intercede and save the morsel from it's doomed fate. There were a multitude of these incidents last year but three in particular which come to mind when on the topic of patience. One involved a mouse, one a small bird that was still without feathers and one was a frog. All three occurred between the hours of about 3:00am and 5:00am.

I love the teaching: 'Start where you are' because it's about knowing you already have everything you need at your disposal to start changing your life. Every experience is an opportunity for growth or to enhance a skill and figuring out which ones work and which ones don't is all apart of just going with the flow.

I know very well the challenge of insomnia. I have struggled with anxiety for years and the result is that I have very strict sleeping habits to ensure that I am able to fall asleep. When deprived of my sleep due to the disregard of a fellow human being I fly into an absolute rage. Sleep is sacred and my patience, as with most people, is worn thin when I'm tired.

But when my adorable, delightful cats wake me up at 4:00am I am able to remain quite calm. The first time it happened I was a bit miffed but with each experience my capacity to tolerate and even accept the interruption increases.

It's been some months since such an incident has taken place but over a recent weekend my patience was tested once more. I was half dreaming but aware of a crunching sound. At first I ignored it. My brain wasn't entirely engaged and I was able to attribute the noise to the cats eating their dry food. But then it occurred to me that the crunching was in my room whilst their food bowls are downstairs. At this point I woke entirely, grabbed my phone and shone it onto the floor. All three cats were present but it was my own little fur-baby from Canada who was clearly engaged in the crunching.

It turned out to be half a mouse. Half a mouse at anytime of the day is an unpleasant discovery. Half a mouse at 4:00am on a Sunday morning when you had been in the middle of a rather pleasant dream is just the sort of thing that used to make me cry with fatigue. But not this time.

I chased the cats away, got a tissue and chucked the remains out the cat flap. I returned to bed and tossed and turned for a bit. I was undoubtedly awake. I didn't imagine I'd fall asleep very quickly and normally this would be about the time when I'd feel very frustrated, upset and annoyed. Instead I remained entirely calm. My anxiety didn't flare and I realised that I was able to take the situation as it had come. I hadn't impatiently grumped at the cats, nor had I felt the need to cry or get upset. It was what it was and that was that.

Almost immediately I began running a dialogue about it in my head. I jotted down my thoughts and they have in turn become this very blog entry.

By just being right where I was, sitting with my experience and practicing patience with those I love so dearly, I didn't just refrain from getting into my old habitual behaviour; I didn't feel the need or tug at all. I just accepted what was and went with it.

It might seem a small thing but I think it's an important example. It's very easy to be too hard on ourselves and expect miracles. We can head out to practice having patience with strangers and find ourselves ignoring our impatience, rather than actually remaining calm. There's no point in beating ourselves up over it as that just shows a lack of patience for our own capacity to grow. Change takes time and when we start right where we are, when we start with what we're ready for, we can take slow and steady steps forward in our own time.

www.CreativeLifeCoachLondon.com

Being Genuine

When I was a little kid I found being genuine really easy. This was probably because my parents had always allowed my brother and me to express ourselves as we wished. I felt I knew who I was and that I was pretty awesome so I never felt the need to pretend to be different. 

Junior High shook all that up for me. I was going to a new school in a new neighbourhood. There was a lot of change happening for me and everyone else in the school. Suddenly what made you ‘cool’ mattered an awful lot and apparently, I didn’t have what it took. My hair was wrong, my clothes were wrong, the music I listened to was wrong. 

At twelve it’s pretty difficult to remain entirely indifferent to these pressures. I wanted to be true to myself but I also wanted to protect myself from the scrutiny of my peers. For this reason I did everything I could to pretend to be cool. I wore the clothes I thought were right. I styled my hair in ways I thought would make me fit in. I claimed to like music that I really didn’t. 

But it wasn’t just with the ‘In-Crowd’ that I did these things. I had a few friends, fellow outcasts in the social circles of Junior High. My friendship with them felt precious and I would do everything I could not to jeopardize it. I adopted a similar attitude - one of telling the world to f*ck off. I roughed up my edges, showing anger where I actually just felt really afraid and uncertain. 

Our teen years are pretty intense. Our bodies are changing rapidly. We’re growing, being flooded with hormones and also starting to determine who we are as people. 

For me the struggle was no different than for millions of others. I felt like I had a collection of masks to wear. Around my parents I needed to be Happy-Everything-Is-Fine-and-I’m-Good-At-School Kaitlyn. Around my childhood friends I was Nothing-Has-Changed-and-I-Never-Have-to-Grow-up Kaitlyn. Around my school friends I was I-Don’t-Give-A-F*ck-and-Am-Super-Hardcore Kaitlyn. Around my teachers I was I-Try-Really-Hard-and-am-Studious Kaitlyn. Around my peers who bullied me I was Please-Just-Ignore-Me-I’m-Not-Really-Here Kaitlyn. 

It was exhausting trying to be so many different people! And I was doing it so all the different people in my life would see me as I thought they expected to see me. 

It wasn’t until I was fourteen that I began to consider the idea that maybe I shouldn’t be acting how I thought other people wanted me to, but acting as I knew I was. It wasn’t until High School that I understood that being truly genuine included being true to the bits of myself that I don’t always like. And a few years ago I learned that being true myself also meant not pretending that the bits of myself I don’t like are any worse than they actually are. 

Being genuine isn’t easy and I don’t always get it right, but I like to think I’m getting better at it everyday. As a result the people in my life now are more genuine, compassionate people. And when I come across the ones who aren’t I can practice compassion for them because I remember being in Junior High and I remember what it was like trying to please all of the people all of the time by pretending to be someone I’m not. 

A Question of Confidence

con·fi·dence/ˈkänfidəns/

Noun:

The feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust: "we had every confidence in the staff". The state of feeling certain about the truth of something

I get told that I'm confident a lot and for a long time I would deny it. I would give all sorts of reasons why I wasn't - I had issues with anxiety, I felt full of doubt, I could worry like a pro. 

I would spend a lot of time comparing myself to others who I did see as confident. I just didn't measure up. They would have an air about them, an unflappable strength which I didn't believe to be true of myself. Until I started thinking about how we define confidence versus what it really is. 

A lot of people may initially come across as confident, but when observed over a length of time it comes to light that they actually lack confidence entirely. They may have a large ego or a sense of self importance, but these are not things to be confused with confidence. 

Self confidence is an inherent belief in our ability. A better word for it may be faith. Confidence is having faith that you have strengths and skills which make you awesome and capable. 

For example, the first day at a new job we may feel that we don't really know what we're doing. This isn't a lack of confidence but a lack of experience. If we are able to look back on our first day at any job we can see how we might have been a bit nervous or apprehensive - and rightly so. Any new experience is an unknown but our faith in our ability is where confidence comes into play. 

When we are confident we know that it's not about whether or not we are capable of doing something proficiently right away - it's knowing we are capable of learning. Confidence is stepping into a situation we might not be comfortable with or prepared for, but knowing we have the tools to make it through. 

A good example of this is stage fright. I love how people get told to 'not be nervous'. This is terrible advice! If you're doing a performance to an audience, even a small audience, it can and will be nerve wracking. This is O.K. It's totally normal. In fact, people who don't get nervous in spotlight situations are a minority. 

But that doesn't mean everyone who gets stage fright lacks confidence. It's because of confidence that they are able to take the stage and give it their best. 

I now embrace the fact that I'm a confident person. I may get upset, worried, anxious and nervous sometimes but because I believe in myself I know I will be O.K. - and that is what being confident is all about. 

www.CreativeLifeCoachLondon.com 

I want to help you find your confidence. 

The Multitasking Myth

I remember there being a time when I would put 'multitasking' as a skill on my resume, include it as a valuable asset in interviews or whip it out as a talent. To be able to multitask is often seen as an incredible ability to accomplish many thing at the same time. This is, as far as I'm concerned, completely untrue.

For anyone who has been an ultimate taskmaster, checking emails while chatting on the phone and jotting down notes for a meeting later in the day, you probably know how overwhelming it can get. In an attempt to finish as much as possible in as little time as possible we will stretch our brains by forcing them to comprehend and complete a multitude of different tasks on the same timeline.

This isn't very effective, nor is it healthy. I speak as a true plate spinner. I'm the sort of person who wants to see things done, To Do lists ticked off and tasks completed. Sometimes this overwhelming desire to get stuff done means that I neglect my basic needs and how my body and brain function.

Our brains function much better when they have a single task to focus on. Within one task there may be a multitude of smaller activities which can be done in conjunction with one another, but if it's all related our brains are far better equipped to focus and do it well.

The problem with multitasking is that you may be able to finish many unrelated tasks at the same time but the odds of them being done well decreases with the number of plates you are spinning. It's also a great way to burn yourself out. If you have more tasks to do than is reasonable or possible in the time you have been given, it's up to you to say 'No'.

When you can focus on one task at a time you can accomplish it with skill and care, which means it will be more successful in the long run. How many times have you been working on a few different things at the same time and you find that something you thought was finished actually wasn't because you were distracted - so you had to go back and do it again or work on it some more when you'd already signed it off as complete?

But when you focus and work on one thing at a time you are not forcing your brain to switch gears rapidly. This is beneficial in so many ways. When you're focused you can complete one thing with greater ease, accuracy and skill. It also focuses your body. Your heart rate will remain calm. Your breathing will remain comfortable, instead of becoming shallow, which will give your brain more oxygen and help it to accomplish the task at hand.

Ultimately, you will be able to complete one thing well rather than a multitude of things not so well.

So next time you're feeling overwhelmed or panicky about needing to finish a multitude of tasks, stop for a moment. Consider if you are trying to do too much at once. Remember that your brain works far better when it can focus on a single thing and you are more productive when your body and mind are in a calm and relaxed state.

www.CreativeLifeCoachLondon.com 

Purging

"Death" Acrylic on Canvas

Original and prints available

The concept of attachment is a very interesting one. In Western society the definition of attachment seems to get mixed up with the definitions for desire, greed and wants. Attachment is not about longing or the accumulation of possessions.

By purchasing a thing one does not commit to attachment. Attachment is when we identify with our possessions in such a way that we grieve at the mere thought of losing them. One common meditation practice is to do a visualization which involves giving away or losing all your possessions. Imagine everything you own. Every item of clothing, all your shoes, books, DVDs, CDs, electronics - TV, computer, laptop, radio, GPS device, phone, mobile - dishes, decorations, appliances, furniture. As you picture each one imagine giving it away. Doesn't matter who to, just as long as it will no longer in any way be in your life. You could post it to a friend overseas or in another country, give it to a stranger on the street or hand it over to a homeless person.

You don't have to do this with absolutely everything you have but try it with a variety of different things because the level of attachment we have can vary greatly depending on our emotional connection to something. For example, giving away your microwave might give you a sense of apprehension but probably won't upset you as much as giving away something really personal like a journal you wrote or the only photograph you have of a beloved relative no longer with us in body. You may also find that the attachment you feel has something to do with your ego because you feel your identity is determined by the specific clothes you wear or the art you choose to hang on your walls.

The idea behind this visualization - behind any meditation practice - is to create a greater sense of awareness. By paying attention to how we feel about the loss of our possessions we can tune into our emotional responses and be guided by what they are telling us. This means we can take a more practical or objective look at our lives and the things we own.

As a result of doing these practices I have developed an agreement with myself. I don't like to work in rules because our brains tend to treat a rule as unchangeable where an agreement has the flexibility to fit in with the fact that our situations, ideas and opinions are constantly changing.

My agreement is to assess the things I own on a six month basis. I ask myself a few key questions:

1. When did I last use/wear/enjoy this item? Was it in the last six months? Was it longer than that?

2. Why have I not touched it? Is it seasonal? Specific to a project I'm not in the thick of at the moment?

3. Is it something I can feasibly see myself needing/wanting in the next six months? For example, am I likely to find a new painting project to do despite having not painted a lot since completing my Tarot cards?

The reason it's an agreement rather than a rule is because some things will take up my interest again even if they're not central to my life at the moment. Other things need to go.

There might a shirt that's been hanging in my wardrobe for eight months - it's perfectly nice, fits me and I quite like it but the occasion to wear it hasn't come up. When did I wear it last? Why has it been so long? Do I really think I'll wear it again? Would it not be better to send a perfectly good shirt to a charity shop where it can be appreciated by someone and help a good cause?

Why not try it for yourself? Give it a go and see what happens. Maybe you'll do it on a 12 month basis, or an 8 month basis. Find a measurement that works for you.

By purging regularly we can help improve the energy in our lives. Old, unused, unappreciated stuff creates clutter which can effect our ability to sleep, our energy when it comes to caring for the space we live in and our attitude towards change.

A regular purge can clear up space that can be used for a new project, a different look to a room or an opportunity to try something you haven't before. Plus you'll have a rewarding feeling by giving your unwanted items to someone who will appreciate and enjoy them.

I can't?

"Without Limits" 

Prints available

As a child I was fortunate enough to have parents who told me that I was not only able to do anything I wanted but that I could do everything I wanted. I say fortunate because it's quite nice but also rare to be told from an early age that the world is full of opportunities.

From a different perspective this could also be seen as a bit of a curse depending on your personality. As it happens I am the sort of person who has a voracious appetite for knowledge. I love to learn and what interested me may seem quite broad and even unrelated. In fact, a lot of what interests me is unrelated, but I don't really care because if I want to learn something I will.

Sometimes I find myself filled with a desire to do everything all at once. It's almost as if I feel this incredible to do list of wants, desires and interests and I feel as though I must complete it all in the next week or I'll never have a chance to do it again.

The result is a sort of paralysis which causes me to accomplish absolutely nothing, during which time I am inclined to wallow in a lot of self pity because 'I can't' do everything. I know it's silly and my next step is generally to feel quite angry with myself for being childish, whingey or unreasonable.

All of this is hugely unproductive and also apt to turn into a vicious circle of self loathing and angst unless I take action.

The trick is to change the way I'm thinking about it. Rather than going 'I can't' I need to think, "What if I could?" and then "How would I be able to?" This opens up my options again and also reminds me that everything I want to accomplish in my entire lifetime doesn't have to get done right now. If that was even possible it would be quite unfortunate because, quite simply, what would I do then?

I have my entire lifetime to do all those things on my list of 'everything I ever want to do in my whole life' and that list is flexible. I might change my mind about something on there so I'm allowed to take stuff off as well as adding things to it.

It's all about choice. When you think you can't do something you've just taken a lot of options away. So remember to keep your options open by trying out 'what if I can?'

www.CreativeLifeCoachLondon.com

Pants!

For some reason my blogger image uploader won't show me the photos I uploaded today so I don't have the images I want for the entry I was going to write. Which is pants!

For today I'll just say that my lesson this weekend was to remember to relax and give myself time to do very little. I tend to feel like any time I spend not working on my art or writing is time spent idle. This idleness gives me a sense of panic and stress, as if my life is being wasted by my inaction - even if I know that's not true.

I suspect (Quite rightly, I'm sure.) that this is simply a bi-product 'knee-jerk' reaction after being in a stagnant relationship for far longer than was necessary. As though I need to make up for lost time by constantly applying myself. But I know that I'll be more productive over the long run if I give myself breaks. As important as my work is, so too must be my rest. Which is why I spent the day outside, in a beautiful shelter which allowed me to enjoy the rain from a fire warmed and dry space in the company of my wonderful supportive partner.

And I certainly don't think the time was wasted at all.