How to be fully human

Nelson Mandela died on December 5^th, 2013.

He was aged 95.

He lived a long life full of great accomplishments.

He was no different from you or me. Nelson Mandela didn’t fight for black rights. He didn’t fight for South Africa. He didn’t fight against Apartheid.

Nelson Mandela fought to create a world in which we can all appreciate our shared experience.

The world is not a sadder place for him not being physically present in it. It’s a better place for him having lived so well, taught so widely, and loved so genuinely, even those who many would call ‘enemy’.

Nelson Mandela is a lesson in forgiveness – he is a human being, just as you are. Just as I am. He is an example to us all.

Nelson Mandela
July 1918 - December 2013
Illustration from Wise at any Age

Empathy

Language is always evolving and the English language is known for being exceptionally complex. This is probably because English has stolen so many words from a multitude of other languages and because it's evolved regionally as well. The classic example being American English vs. UK English (And please be aware that Canadian English is an interesting mix of the two but an entirely different version in its own right) or as it's commonly called 'The Queen's English.'

With so many differing opinions on what a word means or why it's no wonder a lack of clear and effective communication is one of the most common issues out there. First world problem, possibly, but a problem none-the-less.

My last two entries looked at the meaning and interpretation of generosity and I've been inspired to keep going along this thread. I spend a lot of time thinking about communication and how definitions of a word differ depending on who you talk to or what you are reading.

I recently finished reading 'The Psychopath Test' by Jon Ronson, who is probably better known for being the author of 'Men Who Stare At Goats'. In my opinion Jon's writing is conversational and utterly enjoyable and I found myself unable to put down 'The Psychopath Test'. I finished reading it within 24 hours, in fact.

But I did have a difference of opinion with him on the definition of a word based on how he used it. At one point in the book he interviewing a possible psychopath and he asks them about identifying with the experience of another person. To gain clarity the interviewee says, "Like sympathy?" to which Jon replies, "Yes."

To me sympathy is not identifying with the experience of another person. I have always seen sympathy as feeling sorry for someone or feeling bad about their situation. Sympathy is along  the lines of 'there, there.'

Empathy, however, is our ability to recognise and acknowledge our shared human experience of emotions. Empathy is a hearty 'I know how you feel.'

This is not to say that we relate directly to the experience of another person, but that we can acknowledge the emotions going on. 

I once worked for an organisation that supported youth living in or from care. By 'care' I mean the child welfare system. They came from a variety of backgrounds and had many different experiences in group homes, foster care, through adoption, or incarceration depending on the individual.

When I first started working there I was the only employee who had no direct experience of the child welfare system. I'd been hired because of my involvement in a volunteer project that built a website to help educate youth on the criminal justice system. My parents had been married for 30 years, I'd been born and raised in one house and I'd attended a total of four schools. My experience was nothing like that of a youth in care who may not know one or both parents, have been bounced from school to school and placement to placement, and have had to take on responsibilities well above what should be expected for their age.

At first I was really worried and high strung because I didn't think I'd be able to offer anything to the youth I was working with without coming off as sympathetic. I saw how much stigma a youth living in care faced and I didn't want to be adding to that.

I needn't have worried though because I quickly saw how I could identify with the stigma these youth were experiencing. No, I  didn't know what it was like to live in a group home with six other kids my age and rely on the government to 'parent' me. But I knew what it felt like to have people judge me based on a label rather than for the content of my character. I knew what it felt like to be limited by the assumptions of other people.

We all know feeling like frustration, disappointment, and sadness. Empathy is the ability we have to appreciate these feelings in another person because we know the effect they have. We are aware of our own happiness, grief, joy, anxiety, excitement, guilt, passion and anger. Empathy is when we are aware of the shared reality of these emotions.

What do you think? Empathy vs. sympathy and how these words are used? Do you agree? Add your comments below. 

www.CreativeLifeCoachLondon.com

Learning to say 'No'

In my last entry I wrote about generosity and how we can practice it in little ways day to day. The more we practice generosity the easier it will become, although we may notice at the beginning just how ungenerous we can be.

That's O.K. This is an opportunity for you to practice compassion for yourself. Acknowledge that you are ungenerous sometimes but don't beat yourself up about it. That's like hitting a dog to teach it how to sit. The dog will become confused, scared and possibly will sit but not for the right reasons. The motivation to be generous will come from seeing how it benefits you and the world around you. 

But we must be careful not to give too much. Being generous doesn't just mean giving change to a busker or offering your seat to someone on the bus. Being generous can also mean giving your time or energy to another. We can do this in many ways but it's important not to be taken advantage of. 

I was reading a forum the other day and someone had asked what they could do to help a friend of theirs who was always stuck in a rut. They said they'd spent a lot of time talking to them. They'd offered multiple solutions. They'd even accompanied their friend on several occasions to carry out a plan they'd discussed. But their friend continued to be depressed, downtrodden and generally miserable about things.

There were many responses on the forum but I felt the ones which were the most helpful were the ones which told them to walk away. When we are being generous we are offering help to another, through our kindness, our time, our ability to listen. But we can only help someone as much as they are willing to help themselves and at a certain point we must learn to say, "No." 

It is not selfish or wrong to say "No" to someone or something that drains us. If we feel morally, physically and emotionally drained by a job or a person, we owe it to ourselves to walk away. We do this because we, as much as anyone else, deserve our own love and compassion. We cannot be expected to practice compassion for those around us if we don't practice it for ourselves. We cannot be generous to those around us if we do not understand how to be generous to ourselves. 

www.CreativeLifeCoachLondon.com

Be Generous

There's a misconception that if you have a lot of money or stuff, then you must be greedy. You don't have to be rich to be greedy. I've met some really greedy people who lived paycheque to paycheque, barely able to survive on their income.

The opposite of greed isn't poverty. The opposite of greed is generosity. 

Greed is fuelled by the belief that if we only have more of something - more money, more time, more stuff - then we will be happy. When we act out of greed we act our of a belief that happiness is finite and that, if we don't get our slice, we will miss out.

To be generous is to recognise that happiness is an infinite thing. There is as much love, compassion and kindness in the world as we are willing to make. A generous person doesn't cling because a generous person appreciates the impermanence of all things anyway. Everything will change, everything will rise and grow and fade and die, and thus everything is cyclical. A circle has no beginning and no end.

To practice generosity is to understand that there is enough. To practice generosity is to let go of 'me' and 'mine' and embrace 'us' and 'we'.

We can practice generosity in so many ways. By pausing to hold a door for a mother with a stroller, or helping an elderly gentleman carry his shopping, or offering our seat on the train or bus to someone who looks obviously fatigued, we are acknowledging that our time is no more valuable than anyone elses. We are all equally deserving of compassion and kindness.

There are opportunities to be generous everywhere, every day. All we have to do is look for them.

www.CreativeLifeCoachLondon.com

Being Genuine

When I was a little kid I found being genuine really easy. This was probably because my parents had always allowed my brother and me to express ourselves as we wished. I felt I knew who I was and that I was pretty awesome so I never felt the need to pretend to be different. 

Junior High shook all that up for me. I was going to a new school in a new neighbourhood. There was a lot of change happening for me and everyone else in the school. Suddenly what made you ‘cool’ mattered an awful lot and apparently, I didn’t have what it took. My hair was wrong, my clothes were wrong, the music I listened to was wrong. 

At twelve it’s pretty difficult to remain entirely indifferent to these pressures. I wanted to be true to myself but I also wanted to protect myself from the scrutiny of my peers. For this reason I did everything I could to pretend to be cool. I wore the clothes I thought were right. I styled my hair in ways I thought would make me fit in. I claimed to like music that I really didn’t. 

But it wasn’t just with the ‘In-Crowd’ that I did these things. I had a few friends, fellow outcasts in the social circles of Junior High. My friendship with them felt precious and I would do everything I could not to jeopardize it. I adopted a similar attitude - one of telling the world to f*ck off. I roughed up my edges, showing anger where I actually just felt really afraid and uncertain. 

Our teen years are pretty intense. Our bodies are changing rapidly. We’re growing, being flooded with hormones and also starting to determine who we are as people. 

For me the struggle was no different than for millions of others. I felt like I had a collection of masks to wear. Around my parents I needed to be Happy-Everything-Is-Fine-and-I’m-Good-At-School Kaitlyn. Around my childhood friends I was Nothing-Has-Changed-and-I-Never-Have-to-Grow-up Kaitlyn. Around my school friends I was I-Don’t-Give-A-F*ck-and-Am-Super-Hardcore Kaitlyn. Around my teachers I was I-Try-Really-Hard-and-am-Studious Kaitlyn. Around my peers who bullied me I was Please-Just-Ignore-Me-I’m-Not-Really-Here Kaitlyn. 

It was exhausting trying to be so many different people! And I was doing it so all the different people in my life would see me as I thought they expected to see me. 

It wasn’t until I was fourteen that I began to consider the idea that maybe I shouldn’t be acting how I thought other people wanted me to, but acting as I knew I was. It wasn’t until High School that I understood that being truly genuine included being true to the bits of myself that I don’t always like. And a few years ago I learned that being true myself also meant not pretending that the bits of myself I don’t like are any worse than they actually are. 

Being genuine isn’t easy and I don’t always get it right, but I like to think I’m getting better at it everyday. As a result the people in my life now are more genuine, compassionate people. And when I come across the ones who aren’t I can practice compassion for them because I remember being in Junior High and I remember what it was like trying to please all of the people all of the time by pretending to be someone I’m not.