Re-reading Pema - a Book review

'Start Where You Are' was the first book I read by Pema Chodron. She is, by far, the most influential teacher in my life and I remember that reading this book was like having someone take all these jumbled ideas and thoughts and contemplations in my head and putting them down on paper. 

Recently I've found myself re-reading a lot of the Buddhist books I own as I've found a deepening of my understanding means I'm getting whole new levels of insight. 

To pick this book up again was amazing because in some ways I felt like I'd not actually read it before, like so many of the words hadn't really sunk in on that first reading five years ago. I know a lot of it probably has to do with my understanding of Buddhism. Whilst Pema writes in an accessible way, regardless of whether you practice Buddhism or not, she does use many Buddhist words and phrases in her work - which don't really make sense without reading or studying classic Dharma texts. 

But there was something else about re-reading it that made me feel like I'd simply not had an appreciation before. It was almost like the first reading was giving me a glimpse of the possibilities and on the second reading I could look back and go "Yes! Yes! Yes! All those things!" 

It's the difference between liking an idea and grasping is intellectually to actually just knowing and experiencing something first hand. 

I love all of Pema's writings and teachings but this book will hold a fond place in my heart simply for being the first. It was the first time someone who wasn't obligated to do so said, "You're fine just the way you are." 

It's powerful and very transformative to be told that right now, right here, no matter what is going on, you have everything you need to be a happy, fulfilled human being - because the very nature of your experience is the stuff of waking up and being open to life. 

What larks!

At the beginning of the year I was a bit overcommitted (as any polymath knows is in their nature) and going through the fun business of leaving a job that was proving to be detrimental to my mental health.

I had a psychology course through the Open University, a Graphic Design course at Central Saint Martins, and advanced Illustrator training in Angel. I was also working on 'Wise at any Age' during any spare moment, promoting myself as a freelance designer and taking on little projects through online freelance posting sites.

I've been doing my shoe sketches on the train again

In the past few months and in particular, the past week, my circumstances have changed drastically. 'Wise at any Age' is a completed project. I handed in my final essay for my psychology course on the first of the month. All my lovely design courses to get me going and build my portfolio have wrapped up and I've found a stable momentum in the flow of work I'm getting. My promotion at work also means that my finances are (for the moment) secure and I am able to pick and choose the projects I do during my evenings and weekends.

Suddenly I have 'free time'. Time I can use as I please without feeling some obligation to hunt for another client, tweak my website to maximize exposure or network with fellow creatives to build my reputation.

It's quite liberating to look at my giant To Do List of Everything Ever knowing that what I choose next doesn't have to be strategic but can be entirely based on whim.

So I've been doing some fun little doodle projects - playing with my creativity away from a computer screen - and considering what I fancy accomplishing with these glorious pockets of time I'm so blessed to have.

I suspect there shall be some writing projects on the horizon. Especially as NaNoWriMo is just around the corner. I don't know that I fancy writing another novel in thirty days but I can see dedicating the month to editing.

There have also been many new connection of late with talented videographers, game developers and others of a similar sort. I think something collaborative may be on the horizon.

Not to mention the sudden interest I've had from clients looking for custom shoes.

I'm hoping to be littering my blog with these things as and when they happen. Wonderful artful things that feed my soul and add to the incredible energy I get from having a full-time job I absolutely love going to each day.

Life is full of peaks and troughs. I have every intention of enjoying this particular peak to the very fullest.

Mousecapades

Patience is something I find difficult to apply to myself. I have a lot of ideas and things I want to do and if I'm unable to manage them all in the generally unreasonable time I plan for them, I can get very frustrated. So I look to practice patience when the opportunity arrises so I may improve my ability for it and my ability to be kind to myself.

Everyone has the capacity of unconditional love. It would be fabulous to have it for ourselves but generally the sense of unconditional love is applied to other people in our lives. The most common example of this would be the love a parent has for their child. In my case I have three gorgeous, delightful and wonderful fur-children. I adore all three of the kitties in my life and my love for them is unwavering regardless of the things they may do. 

It is in their nature to hunt and as a result I am often faced with a live creature in the house. Sometimes I am able to intercede and save the morsel from it's doomed fate. There were a multitude of these incidents last year but three in particular which come to mind when on the topic of patience. One involved a mouse, one a small bird that was still without feathers and one was a frog. All three occurred between the hours of about 3:00am and 5:00am.

I love the teaching: 'Start where you are' because it's about knowing you already have everything you need at your disposal to start changing your life. Every experience is an opportunity for growth or to enhance a skill and figuring out which ones work and which ones don't is all apart of just going with the flow.

I know very well the challenge of insomnia. I have struggled with anxiety for years and the result is that I have very strict sleeping habits to ensure that I am able to fall asleep. When deprived of my sleep due to the disregard of a fellow human being I fly into an absolute rage. Sleep is sacred and my patience, as with most people, is worn thin when I'm tired.

But when my adorable, delightful cats wake me up at 4:00am I am able to remain quite calm. The first time it happened I was a bit miffed but with each experience my capacity to tolerate and even accept the interruption increases.

It's been some months since such an incident has taken place but over a recent weekend my patience was tested once more. I was half dreaming but aware of a crunching sound. At first I ignored it. My brain wasn't entirely engaged and I was able to attribute the noise to the cats eating their dry food. But then it occurred to me that the crunching was in my room whilst their food bowls are downstairs. At this point I woke entirely, grabbed my phone and shone it onto the floor. All three cats were present but it was my own little fur-baby from Canada who was clearly engaged in the crunching.

It turned out to be half a mouse. Half a mouse at anytime of the day is an unpleasant discovery. Half a mouse at 4:00am on a Sunday morning when you had been in the middle of a rather pleasant dream is just the sort of thing that used to make me cry with fatigue. But not this time.

I chased the cats away, got a tissue and chucked the remains out the cat flap. I returned to bed and tossed and turned for a bit. I was undoubtedly awake. I didn't imagine I'd fall asleep very quickly and normally this would be about the time when I'd feel very frustrated, upset and annoyed. Instead I remained entirely calm. My anxiety didn't flare and I realised that I was able to take the situation as it had come. I hadn't impatiently grumped at the cats, nor had I felt the need to cry or get upset. It was what it was and that was that.

Almost immediately I began running a dialogue about it in my head. I jotted down my thoughts and they have in turn become this very blog entry.

By just being right where I was, sitting with my experience and practicing patience with those I love so dearly, I didn't just refrain from getting into my old habitual behaviour; I didn't feel the need or tug at all. I just accepted what was and went with it.

It might seem a small thing but I think it's an important example. It's very easy to be too hard on ourselves and expect miracles. We can head out to practice having patience with strangers and find ourselves ignoring our impatience, rather than actually remaining calm. There's no point in beating ourselves up over it as that just shows a lack of patience for our own capacity to grow. Change takes time and when we start right where we are, when we start with what we're ready for, we can take slow and steady steps forward in our own time.

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