“As you label it, so
it appears to you.”
-
Unknown
Recently I received a copy of Single Step from Depression Alliance and noticed an
appeal on the first page. The language is quite intense, calling depression a
‘monster’ that’s gotten away with ‘destroying’ thousands of lives.
Almost immediately I felt rather put off. This labelling
depression as a monster creates a sense of ‘other’ I’m not comfortable with,
and also perpetuates the ‘badness’ of something that, quite frankly, is a
normal part of life.
Of course by writing that I could be seen as being
controversial, but allow me to explain my thinking behind this.
As a Peer Volunteer on the Friends in Need (FiN) Forum I am
used to seeing any number of posts from people sharing their stories of
depression, often coupled with something else like anxiety,
obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder or any number of
physical challenges ranging from chronic migraines to hyper-mobility. Often-times
these stories are shared in such a way that the difficulties and challenges of
life are listed and the person posting them perceives depression as ‘yet
another thing’ on the heap of difficulties they’re facing.
I totally get this. I used to do it when I was experiencing
a bout of depression. I’d think, “If it’s not already bad enough that I’m being
bullied, have no friends, am failing math and my parents don’t understand and
won’t talk to me about it, I’m also depressed.”
Looking back on those early years when depression was
frequent in my life, I now see my experience very differently. I was being
bullied, had no one to talk to about it, felt abandoned and was unable to cope
on my own. I became depressed as a result, stopped performing at school and was
unable to live up to the expectations I thought my parents had of me.
This isn’t special. I am one of thousands of people who had
a similar teenage experience. Just as I’m one of thousands who have become
depressed after the death of a loved one, or multiple deaths very close
together in a society that puts pressure on people to ‘get over’ loss, not
allowing for a healthy grieving process.
So in a world that tells us low-moods should have a limited
life span or that bullying is a ‘normal’ part of growing up and doesn't support
those who are bullied, depression is normal. Of course it’s going to happen.
And even without all those pressures, depression is a natural human response to
an overwhelming amount of stress, a lack of proper exercise and sleep and/or
stagnation or feelings or a sense of helplessness.
I’m not saying that depression isn't problematic and that
people should suck it up. Far from it. Depressions, and all mental illnesses,
need to be talked about and addressed more openly. But using fear-based
language isn't a helpful way to get that dialogue going.
Most often I find myself replying to the posts on FiN with:
A)
What you are going through is normal. Of course
you feel depressed when you’ve been made redundant, are going through a
divorce, lost a loved one, have just started a new job, just moved to a new
city/town/country, are overwhelmed with your workload, are being bullied at
work, are in an abusive relationship etc.
B)
Be kind to yourself. There is nothing wrong with
you for feeling the way you do. Your feelings are not ‘bad’. They are
communicating something.
C)
Give yourself time and space to heal. Depression
is like any other illness, and not merely mental. The idea that mental illness doesn't affect us physically baffles me. The approach to any illness needs to
be holistic – diet, sleep hygiene, exercise AND our mental state must all be
addressed when we are working towards recovery.
I don’t write this as an outsider looking in. I lived with
constant anxiety for seven years. I went through regular bouts of severe
depression for nearly ten years. I used to self-harm and I've been suicidal on
three different occasions. Ultimately I was hospitalised due to the anxiety, at
which point I had to seriously take stock about the approach I had to my mental well-being.
Up until that point my anxiety was my enemy. I rejected it
and did everything I could to resist it. When I was depressed I felt guilty for
it and rejected that too. Rejecting our experience is incredibly aggressive and
not at all helpful.
Einstein said “the definition of stupidity is doing the same
thing and expecting different results.”
I’m not saying I was stupid, or that anyone experiencing
mental illness is stupid. But as a society we’re not terribly clever when it
comes to healing ourselves.
After my hospitalisation I began seeing a psychologist and
soon discovered my natural Buddhist nature. Buddhism is just a package for what
I know to be good common-sense. There are many packages for the same approach
to life and finding the one that works is a fun adventure, but ultimately the
message is this: Learn how not to reject your experience but instead to embrace
it and appreciate the richness of what life has to offer.
When I stopped making depression and anxiety into ‘other’
and ‘enemy’ I began to become far more comfortable and familiar with them. They were no longer threatening but something to explore and learn from. I began to
see the way they actually provided me with a lot of helpful communication. In
short, I began to make friends with myself by accepting that sometimes I will
be depressed and sometimes I will be anxious but neither will kill me and both
can and do teach me a lot.
This has not been easy and it’s not a flick of a switch
experience. I've been meditating for seven years, seeing my psychologist pretty
regularly during that time too, and have completely changed my life-style by
establishing better sleep-hygiene, improving my diet and incorporating regular
exercise into my life. But the result is that I've not experienced any bouts of
depression for years and I never feel unable to cope with and manage anxiety
when it flares up. I listen to my body, listen to the emotions, and take care
of myself with gentleness and compassion. And I don’t have a black dog or a
monster or a demon.
I am a full human being, like anyone else, with a full
range of emotions and experiences and a life worth living, for better or for
worse.
