Cultivating wisdom

Two weeks ago I put the finishing touches onto a manuscript I’ve been working on in one form or another for over a three years now. Last week I posted it off and now I wait, in six weeks time, to hear from the first two agents I’ve chosen. 

The book is my first non-fiction piece (Most of my writing is young adult fiction) and it was initially inspired by my own experience with anxiety, depression, a mental breakdown and heartbreak. 

In my life thus far I have encountered many people suffering due to the stresses of modern life - scrambling to find happiness as though it were a physical thing we could hold or something we could build or buy. I have also had many experiences in which I was able to feel great compassion for people from entirely different backgrounds because I could recognise our shared human experience of emotion. 

This compassion and the belief I have that growing it will benefit myself and others is why I am so passionate about being a life coach. It’s also why I chose to write this book. I have an insatiable desire to help those around me and I believe that all human beings, everywhere, are capable and deserving of happy, content lives. I also believe that the way to attain this is through the cultivation of wisdom. 

Wisdom is on a deeper level than knowledge, which is something I discuss in my book and something which I invite the reader to explore further. As someone seeking to cultivate wisdom I use a multitude of tools and recognise that each one works for a different reason and that not all tools will work for everyone. 

But I believe that everyone has the ability to grow their wisdom. In doing so we can all offer something to those around us, through our shared understanding of the world as it truly is. 

In the coming weeks I’ll be posting some examples of the artwork I’ll be including in my book to http://www.FaunawolfCreations.com/writing.html 

Following on from the cultivation of wisdom, I’m soon going to be offering meditation classes! I’m just confirming the dates and times and will be announcing the details in my next Newsletter. If you want to be the first to know (As space on this course will be limited) you can sign up for the Me First Newsletter. 

www.CreativeLifeCoachLondon.com 

Empathy

Language is always evolving and the English language is known for being exceptionally complex. This is probably because English has stolen so many words from a multitude of other languages and because it's evolved regionally as well. The classic example being American English vs. UK English (And please be aware that Canadian English is an interesting mix of the two but an entirely different version in its own right) or as it's commonly called 'The Queen's English.'

With so many differing opinions on what a word means or why it's no wonder a lack of clear and effective communication is one of the most common issues out there. First world problem, possibly, but a problem none-the-less.

My last two entries looked at the meaning and interpretation of generosity and I've been inspired to keep going along this thread. I spend a lot of time thinking about communication and how definitions of a word differ depending on who you talk to or what you are reading.

I recently finished reading 'The Psychopath Test' by Jon Ronson, who is probably better known for being the author of 'Men Who Stare At Goats'. In my opinion Jon's writing is conversational and utterly enjoyable and I found myself unable to put down 'The Psychopath Test'. I finished reading it within 24 hours, in fact.

But I did have a difference of opinion with him on the definition of a word based on how he used it. At one point in the book he interviewing a possible psychopath and he asks them about identifying with the experience of another person. To gain clarity the interviewee says, "Like sympathy?" to which Jon replies, "Yes."

To me sympathy is not identifying with the experience of another person. I have always seen sympathy as feeling sorry for someone or feeling bad about their situation. Sympathy is along  the lines of 'there, there.'

Empathy, however, is our ability to recognise and acknowledge our shared human experience of emotions. Empathy is a hearty 'I know how you feel.'

This is not to say that we relate directly to the experience of another person, but that we can acknowledge the emotions going on. 

I once worked for an organisation that supported youth living in or from care. By 'care' I mean the child welfare system. They came from a variety of backgrounds and had many different experiences in group homes, foster care, through adoption, or incarceration depending on the individual.

When I first started working there I was the only employee who had no direct experience of the child welfare system. I'd been hired because of my involvement in a volunteer project that built a website to help educate youth on the criminal justice system. My parents had been married for 30 years, I'd been born and raised in one house and I'd attended a total of four schools. My experience was nothing like that of a youth in care who may not know one or both parents, have been bounced from school to school and placement to placement, and have had to take on responsibilities well above what should be expected for their age.

At first I was really worried and high strung because I didn't think I'd be able to offer anything to the youth I was working with without coming off as sympathetic. I saw how much stigma a youth living in care faced and I didn't want to be adding to that.

I needn't have worried though because I quickly saw how I could identify with the stigma these youth were experiencing. No, I  didn't know what it was like to live in a group home with six other kids my age and rely on the government to 'parent' me. But I knew what it felt like to have people judge me based on a label rather than for the content of my character. I knew what it felt like to be limited by the assumptions of other people.

We all know feeling like frustration, disappointment, and sadness. Empathy is the ability we have to appreciate these feelings in another person because we know the effect they have. We are aware of our own happiness, grief, joy, anxiety, excitement, guilt, passion and anger. Empathy is when we are aware of the shared reality of these emotions.

What do you think? Empathy vs. sympathy and how these words are used? Do you agree? Add your comments below. 

www.CreativeLifeCoachLondon.com

Learning to say 'No'

In my last entry I wrote about generosity and how we can practice it in little ways day to day. The more we practice generosity the easier it will become, although we may notice at the beginning just how ungenerous we can be.

That's O.K. This is an opportunity for you to practice compassion for yourself. Acknowledge that you are ungenerous sometimes but don't beat yourself up about it. That's like hitting a dog to teach it how to sit. The dog will become confused, scared and possibly will sit but not for the right reasons. The motivation to be generous will come from seeing how it benefits you and the world around you. 

But we must be careful not to give too much. Being generous doesn't just mean giving change to a busker or offering your seat to someone on the bus. Being generous can also mean giving your time or energy to another. We can do this in many ways but it's important not to be taken advantage of. 

I was reading a forum the other day and someone had asked what they could do to help a friend of theirs who was always stuck in a rut. They said they'd spent a lot of time talking to them. They'd offered multiple solutions. They'd even accompanied their friend on several occasions to carry out a plan they'd discussed. But their friend continued to be depressed, downtrodden and generally miserable about things.

There were many responses on the forum but I felt the ones which were the most helpful were the ones which told them to walk away. When we are being generous we are offering help to another, through our kindness, our time, our ability to listen. But we can only help someone as much as they are willing to help themselves and at a certain point we must learn to say, "No." 

It is not selfish or wrong to say "No" to someone or something that drains us. If we feel morally, physically and emotionally drained by a job or a person, we owe it to ourselves to walk away. We do this because we, as much as anyone else, deserve our own love and compassion. We cannot be expected to practice compassion for those around us if we don't practice it for ourselves. We cannot be generous to those around us if we do not understand how to be generous to ourselves. 

www.CreativeLifeCoachLondon.com

Be Generous

There's a misconception that if you have a lot of money or stuff, then you must be greedy. You don't have to be rich to be greedy. I've met some really greedy people who lived paycheque to paycheque, barely able to survive on their income.

The opposite of greed isn't poverty. The opposite of greed is generosity. 

Greed is fuelled by the belief that if we only have more of something - more money, more time, more stuff - then we will be happy. When we act out of greed we act our of a belief that happiness is finite and that, if we don't get our slice, we will miss out.

To be generous is to recognise that happiness is an infinite thing. There is as much love, compassion and kindness in the world as we are willing to make. A generous person doesn't cling because a generous person appreciates the impermanence of all things anyway. Everything will change, everything will rise and grow and fade and die, and thus everything is cyclical. A circle has no beginning and no end.

To practice generosity is to understand that there is enough. To practice generosity is to let go of 'me' and 'mine' and embrace 'us' and 'we'.

We can practice generosity in so many ways. By pausing to hold a door for a mother with a stroller, or helping an elderly gentleman carry his shopping, or offering our seat on the train or bus to someone who looks obviously fatigued, we are acknowledging that our time is no more valuable than anyone elses. We are all equally deserving of compassion and kindness.

There are opportunities to be generous everywhere, every day. All we have to do is look for them.

www.CreativeLifeCoachLondon.com

You can find it

No one lacks confidence. Confidence is the inherent belief that you can rely on something. We can have confidence in others, confidence in a task, and confidence in ourselves. It's an internal thing based on an unwavering belief.

The reason I say that no one lacks it is because we all have confidence in some capacity. We do, really. It's just that we don't always realise it. 

Imagine if you will, meeting a person at a social gathering. You get talking and this person tells you that in their life they have accomplished many things. They have a great list of 'positives'- things of which they can be proud - but in their negative column they put a lack of confidence. They tell you that it is the one thing they just don't have and that they are at a loss because, despite being skilled in so many ways, this feels like the greatest failure.

Confidence comes in many forms. In this person's case they are referring to a lack of social confidence. What they mean when they say they don't have confidence is that they don't feel sure enough of themselves in social situations to approach strangers and strike up a conversation.

A lack of confidence when it comes to approaching strangers is not an inherent lack of any confidence at all. For example, suppose this person has a successful career in which they have performed extremely well. They studied for a long time and have worked in many different roles in their industry, gaining success and rising to a place where they are respected for their talents. They were confident in the skills they gained from their education. They were confident in the knowledge they have of their chosen field. They were confident in their abilities as a professional to build a successful career.

It's simply because of a belief that confidence is confined to a specific situation that this individual feels they lack it.

Often times we are not aware of these sorts of limiting beliefs. Because we are told that confidence has something to do with bravery or with social performance, we are not aware of the great level of self belief we have in other areas.

A great way to let go of this limitation is to sit down and write a list of the things which you know you are good at. Anything at all, be it cooking, drawing, gardening, pet care, reading, athletics, teaching, listening - you get the idea. Belief in your ability to do something is confidence.

We can't be confident in all things. For example, I don't believe I'd ever be good at treating traumatic injury. Beyond being able to budget, I have very little faith in my math skills. I don't feel very assured in my ability to learn new languages. There are so many other examples, but I don't have to be confident in everything and nor does anyone else. When we encounter something where we feel we just don't believe in ourselves, it helps to remember our list of the things we are confident in.

Remember, confidence is something that comes from within. It's our capacity to recognise our own strengths without need of external approval. When we recognise where we are strongest, where we have unwavering faith in our ability to do something, we are reminded that oftentimes these things were things we learned over time. When we encounter a time where we don't feel so sure, we can use our confidence in a different area to remind us of our ability to grow.

www.CreativeLifeCoachLondon.com

Meditation - Getting to know yourself

I've been practicing meditation for five years now and I am a firm believer in its benefits. I don't believe you have to identify with a particular religious or spiritual sect in order to meditate and appreciate what meditation can do for you, but I do think it's important to understand what meditation means. To do this it's a good idea to seek out different teachings an teachers to gain a stronger understanding.

In recent years the psychoanalytical world has taken a keen interest in meditation as the benefits of the practice have been observed for centuries. Through meditation people have solved issues with anxiety, depression, addiction, chronic pain and countless other ailments which tend to hinder a human being from embracing life to the fullest. As medical professionals have taken an interest, so too have the public. A growing number of people are reading the works of Pema Chodron, Sharon Salzberg and Eckhart Tolle. Audio books, CDs and YouTube all offer multiple guided meditation practices of varying sorts.

Yet I find there are often misconceptions when it comes to the nature of meditation and a meditative state. 

MYTH: Meditation is relaxing - Anyone who has done any amount of meditation knows this isn't true. The actual act of sitting still and focusing on the breath is a challenge. Our bodies can grow uncomfortable and weary even when our posture is right. Our minds are also a general whirlwind. Thoughts arise on their own and the act of 'not thinking' is far more challenging than most realise.

In fact, to meditate well, one must create a sense of relaxation prior to sitting. It is a good practice to allow some time - five minutes even - before sitting down to meditate to come into your body and relax your mind. Repeating phrases such as, "I am here now, and nothing needs to be done" or taking five to ten deep, deliberate breaths, are great ways to calm the mind and body and prepare for meditation. 

MYTH: Meditation is blissful - Meditation is a practice done to cultivate wisdom. We meditate to focus the mind and in doing so gain a more resourceful state. A resourceful state is merely a state in which we are able to act effectively, rather than irrationally or with strong emotion. A resourceful state is any state in which we can perform at our best. 

When we meditate we focus the mind and experience the state we are in at that very moment. We free ourselves from the distraction of the past or the future or any story lines we may be holding onto. In any given moment we could be experiencing a range of feelings from calm to anxious, happiness to anger. Meditation allows us to sit with our experience rather than being averse to it or clinging to it. 

For anyone who has ever sat with their anxiety, anger, sadness or any other feeling commonly referred to as 'bad', the feeling is not one of bliss. It can actually be quite scary to sit with an emotion which makes us uncomfortable but in doing so we can recognise that emotions are as fleeting as our thoughts. They come and go, ebb and flow, just like the tides.

MYTH: Meditation will 'fix' you - I don't believe that people are broken. People can be confused, oblivious, in turmoil, struggling, frustrated, neurotic and so on, but these states are not broken states. They are simply unresourceful states which can make life seem challenging to lead. 

The purpose of meditation is not to 'repair' anything but to learn to accept what is. Meditation is an exploration of the self. 

Many of us, myself included, do whatever we can to ignore or avoid the things about ourselves which we don't like. We can use any manner of distraction. I used to throw myself into work or into 'fixing' other people in order to avoid working on my own stuff. Through meditation I became acutely aware of this fact.

At first, seeing ourselves for who we are and all the things we do, even the things we are averse to, is actually quite disheartening. It can be crushing to our spirit to think that we are not put-together, well-adjusted beings.

But meditation is not about just being able to see where we are still growing or in need of change, it's about embracing the fact that we are flawed. Until we obtain enlightenment we will always be flawed but our flaws are part of us just like anything else. They do not define us but they do contribute to who we are as individuals.

Meditation allows us to make friends with ourselves, warts and all, and in doing so learn to let go of those things which are not beneficial to our growth. 


These are only three misconceptions about meditation practice, but three which I have encountered most often. The important thing in all of this is to find out what works for you. Seek different teachers, different teachings and different methods. Until you have found one that suits your own sense of reason, do not settle. 

If you would like to learn more about meditation and how it can benefit you, it's one of the tools I use in my life coaching to help you access your own unlimited potential.

  I was asked to make a contribution to the C.R.O.W.N (Creating Radiant Outgoing Women Now) Project, a blog that aims to help build the self esteem of women all over the world. The entry I wrote was published today so please go take a look-see at it.

www.CreativeLifeCoachLondon.com

Enjoying your own company

Loch Voil, in the valley where Dhanakosa is located

I was away for eight day at the end of July, beginning of August. I attended a retreat at the Dhanakosa Buddhist centre in Scotland. It was an amazing time for me as I was able to spend a lot of time in my own company. 

I know that, for a lot of people, the idea of spending time in your own company can actually be quite frightening. I know this because I used to really dislike being in my own company. I used to go through long periods of depression and for several years I suffered from an anxiety disorder. For anyone who has experienced depression or anxiety (Which is probably everyone reading this) the idea of spending time alone in your won head when either of these very strong emotions is running its course isn't just uncomfortable but potentially frightening and possibly even dangerous.

It took a lot of work and a lot of paying attention to what was going on for me to work through both of those things, but here I am! I've gone nearly two years without taking medication, loving who I am and being able to spend time with that person.

For me this retreat was a big step in that it meant I was going for my own growth and not to run away from anything. I am a firm believer in not running away from your problems. This is because you can't. The thing about your problems is that they belong to you and therefore, wherever you run, they will follow. But there can be exceptions to this rule. For example, if your problem is that you really want to go travelling but you can't seem to motivate yourself then running away is, in fact, solving a problem.

I want to talk about this problem of inaction because that's the sort of problem I help my clients solve. The problems that niggle and sit there but always seem easier to ignore than to deal with. First of all, ignoring something doesn't make it go away. In fact, ignoring something is usually a really good way to aggravate it to the point where you can't ignore it anymore.

Depression and anxiety are a good example of this. Depression begins in sadness and anxiety begins in fear. Both are natural emotions which must be expected in life. They are just things that happen and generally, they are there to tell us to pay attention. Sadness is asking us to pay attention to loss or a need not being met. Fear is telling us to prepare or plan for something.

Ignore them and they will become more urgent. They will grow in strength as they work to get you to pay attention to the issue at hand. The more you don't listen to them the louder they become and at their loudest they are no longer sadness and fear but depression and anxiety. Leave it even longer and they can become Clinical Depression and Panic Disorder or some other diagnosable mental illness.

Learning to enjoy your own company means learning to listen to these emotions as they arise. When we can pay attention to them from the start we can see what needs or wants are being neglected and rationally determine what is needed.

This retreat was great as it allowed me time and space to sit without distraction and reflect on the things which fulfill me. I was able to focus my energy, appreciate the amount of time in a day, and really analyse what I want to do in the coming months. It was also a chance for me to pay attention to some of my own little niggles which I've not given a chance to be heard.

Giving yourself time and space to be heard is important. No one else is going to do that for you though, so you need to give yourself the right setting and tools to go there. This isn't always easy, especially if you've not done it before or done it often. As a coach I believe in giving my clients the space they need to listen to their own dreams, hopes and wishes. Then, working together, make them a reality.

www.CreativeLifeCoachLondon.com
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