Enjoy the Ride - Kait's Mixtape

"No matter what happens, we value it to wake up." 

- Elizabeth Mattis Namgyel

This song has been on my OCD playlist for well over a year. It's on my Buddhist playlist too. There's a lot about it that I love but this line in particular is something I like to contemplate. 

I used to spend a lot of time 'chasing shadows' - trying to find answers and make things fit into my idea of the world or how I wanted my life to turn out. The first time this was really properly challenged was with the demise of my first long-term relationship.

My whole life had been planned out, entirely, and when that ended it felt very much like the future had become a blank canvas. This terrified me, initially, but then I began to see it as an opportunity. 

The second time the rug got pulled out from under me was another failed relationship and this time I had to really stop and think. I hadn't pinned my future on the success of the relationship but I'd also felt like I'd done everything 'right' and still ended up with someone fundamentally wrong for me.

This just led me to deepen my practice, to search more and more for answers or to understand life, the universe and everything. And that's when I realised I was trying way too hard. 

The thing about having the rug pulled out is that the more often it happens the more we realise there was never any rug to begin with. We are constantly in free fall because of the very chaotic nature of life. The future is unwritten and every experience we have is rich with opportunity. 

The meaning of life is not to find an answer but to question, explore and be open to all possibilities. When we try to pin it down we're trying to make static that which is constantly changing and impossible to define. Things are much, much bigger than the limited ideas we have about them.

In short, we can just enjoy the ride instead of trying to figure out why there is one. 

All This and Heaven Too - Kait's Mixtape

A very dear friend of mine once said, "That's the thing about love, it comes in so many different flavours."

I remember when I used to measure love - used to see it as how much I could have for a person or thing. One thing meditation definitely does is change this perspective - especially Metta practice (Maitri). Love stops being something quantifiable because that implies that love is limited.

True, genuine, unhindered compassionate love is as limitless as the universe. 

And it's not easy to explain this without it coming out a bit funny. It sounds hippy-dippy cheesy when I try to explain to someone the very transformative experience of tapping into this sense of unbridled compassion.

I can use all the cliches - it's without conditions, no matter what. It does not excuse poor behaviour or cruel actions but has a sense of tenderness towards the confusion that leads to one human being causing pain to another intentionally or otherwise. It's embracing the fact that no one does anything because they want to feel worse and people aren't just one thing. No one is inherently 'bad' or 'evil'.

No one.

I say this emphatically even though it's not something I can explain. All I can say is my practice has taught me that I cannot and am unwilling to write off another human being. It doesn't mean I have to like everyone (You can love someone without liking them, ask any parent ever) and it doesn't mean I have to keep people who have done me harm or intend to do me harm in my life. It doesn't make me blind to the atrocious behaviour of some people on the planet. If anything, this kind of love makes me more aware of it and more able to be there for those who are at the hands of such treatment.

It mean my heart is open to possibilities and I feel more genuine in the world. This is because I know I am just as capable of acting unwisely, causing pain or harm to another consciously or unconsciously.

But regardless of what I write here, I don't think my words will ever truly capture what I'm pointing at. It doesn't mean I'll stop trying to explain it, to put something so ineffable down on paper or in a blog, but as the lyrics I chose say, nothing I could possibly write would ever be worth this feeling. You have to test it for yourself to know it. 

Strength in Pain - Kait's Mixtape

You'd be hard pressed to find anyone who hasn't heard Mumford & Sons. The song 'I Will Wait' seemed to grace every radio station, permeate BBC programmes and generally fill airwaves for several months. 

I definitely enjoyed the song, finding it put an incredible bounce in my step. But when I listen to music, more often than not, it's the lyrics that catch and hold me. In the case of Mumford & Sons I have found myself drawn to many of their songs. 'I Will Wait' was a gateway but the lyrics from so many others songs from the same album have resonated strongly with me. 

'The Cave' - Mumford & Sons

Picking which song to draw lyrics from first proved difficult, but in the end it was this particular line which meant the most to me. At the moment, anyway. 

I spend quite a lot of time reading Buddhist teachings and one of the most common threads throughout is how compassion is cultivated by understanding our shared experience. 

There are many forms of meditation which involve giving and receiving affirmations. Things like, "May all beings everywhere have ease of mind' and 'May all beings everywhere be free of suffering'. 

For the longest time I did these practices believing there was some sense of 'energy' I was offering to the world. I don't doubt that our thoughts do carry energy but the sceptic in me felt like thinking things better just didn't make sense - and it doesn't. 

I had a profound realisation one day when I was doing a meditation practice on the Underground. I realised that there may indeed be some energy effect to the thoughts I was having but the sayings weren't about putting something outside of myself. They were to change something within. 

We cannot control the world around us. Nothing can be held static and there will never be a time when 'everything will settle down'. Life is constant change and generally unanswerable. The only thing we can work with is our mind. 

By working with our mind we don't change the world. We change how we exist within it. 

To me, these lyrics capture that work. We cannot expect to grow stronger by avoiding the very nature of life. Strength comes from knowing our experience as it is and not resisting it. 

Not the Only One

I love when I'm listening to a song and the words perfectly match how I'm feeling, what I've been thinking or where I am in life at that moment. When I find a song with lyrics that really speak to my experience I take them on as 'anthems'. They're nice to have because they remind me that I'm never alone in my experiences.

The world is far better when we can see that we are not alone in how we feel. Grief, sadness, fear, anxiety, stress - everyone knows what these things feel like. The causes and triggers for them can be very different but the actual feelings themselves are the same.

We can too easily get caught up in feeling like the things which we classify as 'bad' are what make us interesting. It's an angst ridden outlook to have and one which is simply not true. The things which make us unique, which makes us beautiful and amazing and interesting, are not the experiences we've had but the lessons we've learned from them and how they have helped us grow. It is the ability to grow, change and accept challenges, which are admirable in another person.

Misery is not unique but the choices we make to grow out of suffering are completely down to the individual. Lyrics can be a wonderful way to share the experiences a person has had and the lessons they have learned from them. 

For a time I used to say all love songs were 'bunk'. I had a broken heart and I was quickly realising that a healthy relationship didn't involve finding someone to 'complete me' or 'be my breath' or 'give me reason to live'.

These are common themes in love songs pumped out for mass appeal. They might be catchy, fun to dance to and have a great music video, but golly gosh I wouldn't for one second recommend anyone base any merit on them.

But then I began to discover how many songs are about self love, self respect and self discovery. And a lot of them deal with heartbreak as the root of learning the importance of loving yourself first, best and always. 

I have put most of these songs onto a playlist which I've titled 'therapy'. They remind me that I'm not alone, other people have been there too and they are making an amazing, creative, vibrant living from what they've learned. They're able to express their suffering through lyrics and come out the other end stronger and better for it. Because they know that life isn't about being knocked down. Life is about how you are able to get up again.

www.CreativeLifeCoachLondon.com

Memory Lane - Kait's Mixtape

My newest art acquisition - 'Katy Bird' Chickadee

Today I caught the overground from Vauxhall to Wimbledon so I'd not have to go underground on my way home. The sun was gloriously, richly hot as it's not been for about two weeks. It was simply too nice to be in the network of tunnels running beneath London.

I stood on the train platform, enjoying the sun on my face and the music in my ears. I was completely and entirely in that moment. There was the pulse of an approaching train in my feet, the warmth of the sun against my skin, the familiarity of the lyrics which I'd not heard in so very long.

I have always admired Tegan & Sara. Born in my home town, they are a true testimony to doing what you love. They went from being a locally known duo playing in a local coffee shop in Kensington (The Calgary Kensington, not nearly so posh at the London one, but still very nice) to having their music featured on the L-Word soundtrack.

Their second album is called, interestingly enough, 'This business of art' and today I found myself listening to 'More for Me'. This is a brilliant song. I've always thought so, but today it was just what I needed to hear.

Had a bad day, as bad as they come.

Time to get a real job - you gotta stop having fun.

So I got a real job working nine to nine.

Making five bucks an hour til the day I die.

We are conditioned to believe that we must work and that work must be done out of obligation and that if it's work then it shouldn't or can't be fun.

If I could have one wish I sure wish I had never grown up

got a picture of the way I looked when I was three

I came out laughing, screaming, dancing.

I came out laughing, screaming, dancing.

When we are young it is so easy for us to celebrate the beautiful things in life. To see even the seemingly minor things, like a beautiful sunny day, as something to be celebrated.

I used to be free spirited

Now I'm just free of sleep

I've got a burning passion in my throat

I've got a burning passion inside of me.

I've got a job that wastes my time and gift

I've got a life that needs a serious lift.

It's easy to become complacent. To stop seeing the pure joy at the simple fact that you're alive and the world exists. But we can get into a place where we feel like we're bursting to get out, fidgeting with an energy that just won't go away, and this is where we can tap into our potential. This is where we can give that push.

I'll always have more for me.

I take a little more for me.

I take a little more for me.

I take a little more for me.

More for me.

Remember to always take care of you. That you can be selfish without losing compassion. That when you take care of you and do what you need for you, you will be able to benefit others more.

Remember why you're amazing and why you deserve a job you love and that you should love the life you lead and lead it as if you own it... because you do own it. It's yours.

"Tell me what you plan to do with your own wild and precious life."

-Mary Oliver

Music is Soul Food - Kait's Mixtape

First of all, credit where credit is due. I would like to thank Lady Gaga for her lyrics. Quite simply, I couldn't have put it better.

In preparing for my 'Dance You Fools, Dance!' performance art project, I've been listening to a lot of music, old and new. I've been listening for catchy things that not only feature great lyrics, but also have a beat and a rhythm that makes my blood fizz and my legs twitch. Songs that make me really want to dance, no matter the setting or timing, just for the sake of it because dancing is beautiful and feels brilliant.

"My mama told me when I was young

We are all born superstars"

I think lyrics are very important though, and one of the songs I chose has actually become one of my current anthems. I've had many anthems in my time and intend to have many more. What qualifies as an anthem is a song which, to me, states something I believe or am passionate about in a poetic way set to music. They are songs which fall into the category of: I wish I'd written that!

They are everything I admire about people with musical talent.

"There's nothing wrong with lovin' who you are,

She said, cuz he made you perfect babe."

It's this ability to put words to music that I admire because I think, when words are shared in this way, they can be so powerful. Here's a song that is topping charts, causing a lot of controversy and discussion, but ultimately, stating a lot of really positive messages. These are messages that I hope I share in the way I live my life. They are things I believe in quite strongly and truths about embracing what we are given and doing the best with what we have. It's about believing that you are worthy of your own love and compassion.

"I'm on the right track, baby,

I was born to survive"

Life is for living and we will never be given more than we can handle. I believe in the power of a good imagination. I think a lack of imagination can cause a lot of grief. In one of my young adult novels I look at how a lack of imagination is the reason one of my characters is a cutter. She is unable to imagine a life outside of her suffering.

Life shouldn't be lived by making excuses. It's about seeing opportunities for growth, for discovery, for learning. Its about accepting that we are responsible for our own happiness. We are unlimited potential and it's up to us to do what we can with the circumstances we are given.

"I'm on the right track, baby,

I was born this way."

So rejoice in all your foibles, all your aches and pains, your ups and downs, your joys and sorrows. Embrace your talents, acknowledge your flaws, and remember that life is a discovery of who you are.

Dance you fools, dance! - Kait's Mixtape

When I was growing up I never thought I was particularly knowledgable about music. I felt like there were these people who just knew about songs - the people who'd written them, the instruments that were used and the influence they had - and people who didn't. I felt like I fell into this latter category because when asked I often couldn't recall a song title or musician and I owned very few cassettes or CDs.

My brother was a music person, as was my dad and to a large extent my mum, but I was not. I was apart because I couldn't tell you my favourite genre or artist. I knew I loved Paul Simon's 'Graceland' from my dad's tape collection and Sinead O'Connor's 'I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got' from my mum's tape collection. My parents own a turntable and taught me and my brother how to put on a record, lining up the needle to catch the vinyl grooves. We listened to the crackling albums of Queen, Manhattan Transfer, Janis Joplin, Pink Floyd and of course, The Beatles.

But this was all their music and I didn't know the names and titles of artists and songs. I just knew that I love dancing and when certain songs came on I couldn't help but move my feet. I would put on Simon and Garfunkle's 'Cecelia' and clap and stamp around the living room. I worked out an entire routine to 'Missing' by Everything But The Girl. My entire family would get in on it when my dad put on 'Don't Fence Me In' as done by David Byrne.

As the years passed and I started junior high and then high school, I began to discover my own music. I soon realised that there wasn't any particular genre which took my fancy. My basis for loving a song was on how much it inspired me to move my body. With headphones on I soon established a soundtrack to my activities. I loved a solid beat to accompany my feet when I was walking, a quick rhythm to match the spinning of my tires when I went cycling, and a lightness of lyrics for when I sat on a swing, kicking my feet into the air.

But the joy and freedom of dancing became a thing reserved for my living room, and usually when I was alone in the house. I no longer felt comfortable dancing in front of anyone. The awkwardness of junior high and the rules of high school forbid it. It wasn't until I moved to an alternative high school that I began to realise that I was not doing something I loved because of what other people might think. At eighteen and nineteen I discovered the joys of the gay bar and the glorious selection of dance music to be found there, but even then, I had to be at least tipsy to touch the dance floor.

I was aware of this, however, and it led me to consider what it meant.

As a child one of my favourite sayings was 'Dance like no one is watching.' I didn't grasp its meaning entirely but as a kid I thought it was a good saying made of solid stuff and worth repeating. I danced because I liked it and I didn't get why anyone watching should or would make a difference. The indifference and cruelty of my junior high school experience made me see that I wasn't right. My hair wasn't right, my clothes weren't right and my taste in music most certainly wasn't right.

My experience in high school made me see that what other people thought shouldn't dictate what was right. That the right things were the things which were true to myself and I could cut my hair as I pleased, wear what I found comfortable and listen to music that I enjoyed.

It wasn't until a few years ago, though, that I learned how to really apply that. This was when I began to focus on my art and writing more, when I decided to travel and see the places I often talked about seeing. This was also when I really got what it meant to dance like no one was watching. I stopped drinking and any trips I took to the dance floor were entirely fueled by my love of the music. I would go out early so I could have the dance floor to myself. I'd wave to the DJ and under a canopy of lasers and lights I would dance to anything they played for me. As the floor would fill up I'd make my dance circles smaller and once I was confined to a space where I could do no more than jig on the spot, I would go home.

It was my dance therapy. I love it. And I've decided to take it to the streets. Inspired by a conversation with a friend and the 'Silent Disco' at the Science Museum, I have made up my mind to go out, into the centre of London, and just dance.

I'm currently working on my play list and I need your help. I need to know what songs you love to dance to. What songs get you moving. Anything at all.

This will be an performance art installment, my very first, and one which you may be invited to join. I'll keep you posted on the developments as long as you keep sharing that music.

Breaking The Habit - Kait's Mixtape

Resolutions are hooey. I figure, if you're going to improve yourself, you can do it anytime. I got this thought stuck in my head as I was traveling on the tube listening to my iPod. Linkin Park's 'Breaking The Habit' began to play. Somehow in the transfer of all my music files from my PC to my Mac, several files went missing. I've not re-set my iPod yet as a result and a good thing too, because this is one of those songs that cropped up and made me realise it's currently missing from my OCD playlist.

To make up for having not listened to this song in ages I listened to it for the remainder of my journey, including the walk from the tube station to my house. Once inside I put it on the stereo and gave it three more goes.

Thing is, this song has a really good point, or it does to me anyway.

I don't know why I get myself worked up into a froth about silly things, or why I push myself to do so much when there are only so many hours in the day. I don't know why I gripe about the same things sometimes, harping on an irritation from my necessary day job. I don't know why I let myself get stuck when I know it's my own doing...

It's important to remember that the way we think is as much of a habit as the things we do. I get up and brush my teeth everyday because it's built in as a routine. I work myself up into a froth because I've made it a routine. But habits can be broken, especially when acknowledge them. And what better time to break a habit than right now? Tonight, even?

Ingrid Michaelson - Kait's Mixtape

Music fuels a lot of my artwork. Actually, it fuels me in general. It is very rare when putting music on won't help me to focus, breathe and centre. There are some songs which are particularly good at giving me a lift and occasionally I'll find an artist who's able to do this with almost all their songs.

I'm not actually sure how I found Ingrid Michaelson. I think I heard it whilst I was working at the big blue box, or perhaps the song just happened to find its way onto my iPod like Natalie Merchant's My Hands. Regardless of how the song got there, Be O.K. just stuck and soon it found its way onto my OCD playlist.

To qualify for my OCD playlist a song will have one of three things:

1. It never fails to lift me up.

2. I can (and will) listen to it several times in a row without growing tired of it or wanting to hear it less.

3. It inspires me to do something new or renews energy for old projects.

Be O.K. is about remembering that everything, even when it feels absolutely awful, will be O.K. Life is ups and downs but neither lasts forever and that in itself is O.K.

I love it, and as a result I decided I should just go ahead and get a whole album of her stuff. I've not had loads of time to listen to music during the past month as so much of my time is taken up with work, school and the seemingly never-ending commute.

My course finished up on Thursday, Hallowe'en has come and gone and despite the few fireworks popping and crackling outside, Bonfire Night has come to an end. I've got no obligations, no entertaining to do, no errands to run. I came up to my room to sit and try to update this blog with something substantial. I opened up a window and stared at the blank space. Next to me I have some canvases displaying current works. Nothing I want to share yet.

I began to feel itchy, a bit off. What to write about?

I opened up my iTunes and put on the mixed play list of my most recent musical purchases. The xx, old school Tegan & Sara, Hot Chip, David Byrne with assorted other artists, 10,000 Maniacs and Ingrid Michaelson.

I never know what song is going to stick out to me on any given day. I like it because it makes my iPod a mix bag of fun surprises. A song that's been on my OCD playlist for ages will suddenly fall flat whilst a song I've often skipped suddenly becomes unbelievably addictive. In this case, however, a song I've never heard before suddenly becomes the best song I've heard in weeks.

I don't know what it is exactly, but You and I has become one of these songs. It's light, it's simple, it has a moment of silence followed by clap-stomp clap-stomp. It makes me want to twirl in a field of yellow flowers. It makes me want to skip on my toes, bouncing lightly. It makes me want to share the feeling it gives me with everyone I know and everyone I don't. I offer the feeling, the wonderful light, warm, happy glow, to every being on the planet.

Then a little further down, past The xx and Hot Chip comes another one of Ingrid's incredible pieces, Oh What a Day. One of those perfect break-up songs that isn't bitter and isn't spiteful but speaks with great truth of the pain of heartache and the consequential growth it inspires. It serves as a reminder and it makes me smile.

Then Keep Breathing starts, reflecting much of the same wisdom to be found in Be O.K.

All we can do is keep breathing...

All we can do is keep breathing...

All we can do is keep breathing...

All we can do is keep breathing...

I still feel a bit fidgety and a bit...stuck. But it's not pressing into me with urgency. It's just how I feel at the moment and this is but a moment and then there will be another one and another one and another one.

I'm going to sketch for a bit, perhaps prepare one of the new canvases that arrived last week, maybe work on some character sketches. And I'll remember that everything will be O.K. be O.K. be O.K.

Inspiration

I love music. I can't compose it, write it or perform it, but I am a great consumer. I appreciate lyrics. I am thrilled by the skill that it takes to master an instrument. I love how a really good song can get right under my skin and send crackling ideas through my brain.

I've listed some of the music that has had such an effect on me on this blog before. My Mix Tape entries are a taste of some of those songs I can listen to daily without tiring of them. But my mix tape needs to grow and it can only do that if I find new music.

I'm inviting you to share your favourite songs. I want to know about the music that lifts your heart, raises your spirits, puts a smile on your face and makes you feel invincible.

Post your own mix tape contributions below or on my Facebook page or send me a tweet @faunawolf on twitter.