Self Portrait in Abstract - imaged

'Self Portrait in Abstract'

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When I finished painting this I didn't actually like it very much. Not because I thought there was anything wrong with the technique, colour or design, but because it felt a bit too raw for me. A damaged canvas gave me an idea for a painting of myself, an interpretation done in colour alone. I could visualise what I'd do almost instantly and throughout the weeks in which I worked on this piece I tackled it with an almost impersonal precision. I was simply getting the image down on canvas. Transferring an idea into a reality.

But then it was done and it got me thinking about why this was how I saw myself. A dark place in the middle of me, something I try to cover up with bright colours, or try to make separate.

Try as we might, we are whole beings. Our failings, shortcoming, illnesses, aches and pains, they're all just as much a part of us as the parts which are easy to love. This painting is about more than just how I see myself. It's what I know I need to work on. It's about taking those dark parts, those parts which feel broken, and embracing them.

It's about true compassionate love for myself and learning to give myself time rather than forcing myself to a place I'm just not ready for.

Now that I've had it imaged I really like it. I love it, actually. I think it's more accurate than I intended it to be and that's something I'm quite thankful for.

Abstract and out of focus...

I ordered several canvases a few weeks ago. It was an incredibly fantastic deal and I was eager about having ten assorted canvases delivered to my door. As it was, they arrived and one of the boxes was damaged.Upon opening it I discovered that two of the canvases had been damaged as well. One had a puncture in it whilst the other has a small hole along the side. Nothing too major, but definitely worth ringing the company up about. They were hugely accommodating, even offering to hold off on delivering replacement canvases until the following week when I knew I'd be home to exchange the damaged ones.

In the end I didn't have to return the damaged ones. The delivery guy told me he wasn't doing a pick-up, handed off a fresh box, turned and left. I quickly opened the new ones, which had been packed with extra care to avoid the same damage happening this time around. I took them upstairs to add to my stash, pure potential sat in the corner.

Then it was a question of what to do with the other two canvases. They weren't useless. The damage was actually so minimal on one that it could be recovered enough as is. I considered taking the torn one and re-stretching it on a smaller frame. I was discussing this with my partner, who suggested I just use it as is see where the torn canvas takes me art.

A brilliant idea, if you ask me.

The result is slowly unfolding. Each time I pick up a brush and work on it I feel almost as if there is no thought to my actions. I just do and the growing colours and pattern laves m feeling satisfied. No picture to share for this one. I'm just going to let it reveal itself in time.